Fireflies

I feel like I'm always the one to see the first lightening bug of the summer.

I claim it every year, for what it's worth.

I remember when I was a kid at my grandmother's house,

running around in the dark, barefooted

in the sticky summer evenings .

You hold your jar, with the lid barely twisted on - holes jabbed for air

waiting for the tiny bright light to shine.

Then suddenly - you see it!

You take off running in that direction 

hoping to get to it in time for the next flash

so you can capture the tiny light and save it in your jar.

I'm in that type of dark night right now.

I'm disoriented, 

thinking I'm going to step on something slimy,

and desperately searching for a little flicker of light.

That darkness closes in with hateful comments 

or absences of friends

and I find myself forgetting how to breathe.

"How did I get here??" I wonder...

Isn't there a magic pill or something?

Then today I saw some fireflies. 

Kids being kids, 

making me laugh - and just for a moment - 

feeling almost normal.

A few emails from strangers who know where I am, 

who have been here before, 

and who offer support.

A call from a friend, 

who didn't know what to say, 

but gave me permission to ask for the moon 

if it would help me heal.

Taking my daughter to meet her hero, Katie from Uganda, 

getting her autograph inside her new book, 

and hearing my baby girl say to Katie, 

"My friend Abby and I want to be missionaries and live in Africa someday!"

And finally, the selfless love of my Mom and Papa.

The kind of love that makes you forget all your words. 

(and I ALWAYS have words.)

The kind that makes you confused and disoriented,

and just so blown away by generosity and love and just...

the faith that they have in YOU and who you are,

not sure if you deserve it, but it's THERE.

And it just makes your heart melt into a puddle 

and cry tears of gratitude to the God who put this man in your life - 

one you didn't think you wanted, 

who you didn't think wanted you, 

but who demonstrates his fierce love in such a rough-around-the-edges 

but smooshy-like-a-puppy-snout kind of way... 

how could you be anything but 

completely humbled by that kind of love??

Weary and still confused, I can now look down at the end of this day...

muddy, messy, smelling like outside-in-the-summer and completely worn out,

to see that my little jar of "lightening bugs" is glowing and I can see my dirty toes.

And suddenly,

I think I might be able to see my way back home after all.

1st day jitters

I'm sure you know how it is.
I don't need to describe this in full detail...
but I will anyway.
Because it's my blog and I can write whatever I want.
So, there!

The first day of Kindergarten.
Can't sleep the night before...
tummy all in knots...
disinterested in breakfast...
making sure the hair is just right...
getting all the supplies ready WAY ahead of time...
feeling like you might cry or puke, or both...
Wanting to turn around and go home as soon as you arrive to school...

And I'm sure the girls were nervous too... on some level.
Because THAT was ALL ME.
This morning.
The first day of Kindergarten.

Oh, just punch me in the stomach next time instead, okay? Ugh...
It's painful!

So here is what I would say to my girls:
(if they were all mushy and sappy like me... and if I could complete a grown up thought without being interrupted a hundred times to explain what I mean.)

Sweet precious baby girls,
Oh my goodness I am so proud of you!!
You have been super excited to start school! You are so excited to become "big girls" like your older sisters and incredibly ready to ride the bus to school.

But, babies... I'm just not ready!! As I fixed your hair and helped pick out your clothes, I just kept thinking about how no one had better be mean to my girls. Oh, woe to the bully that calls you a mean name or refuses to play a game with you because they took a look at your gorgeous selves and just decided they didn't want to be around you.

It's just not fair that I've had you for just one short year and now that season has just abruptly come to a stop. I remember those days this time last year when you would wait for the bus to bring your brothers and sisters home and I remember thinking it was so cute how you wanted to go to school too... but now that day is here and I am just so sad that the days go by as fast as they do!

I walked you to your classrooms today, as slowly as I could, and helped you unpack your supplies - but you didn't really need much help. I helped you pick out a seat, next to a girl who looked really nice and friendly... but you didn't need me to lift you into your chair or help you open your crayons. You ARE big girls now and no matter how sad I am today, I am SO proud of you!! You have grown so much this year! You have learned so much more than a whole new language - you have learned to be a part of a family, to be little sisters and to have friends. I know you are ready for school, sweet babies... it's just me that's not ready. Mommies usually get 5 or 6 years to be ready, and I only got one. So if you see some little tears in my eyes while I am smiling and listening to how much you love your class and how nice your teacher is... Mommy is gonna be okay. It's just hard to watch my sweet babies getting big faster than I can keep up.

I love you, girls...
I just know you are going to be AWESOME Kindergarteners!
Love,
Mommy

Thirty ONEderful flavors, and three questions.

My Granny tells the story of coming to visit my family and taking my sister and I to get ice cream when we were very small... probably 2 and 4 or so.
It goes something like this...

"We would walk down to the ice cream shop for a treat with both you girls about once a week. We would walk in the doors and Melissa would point and say "bubblegum!" or "pink!" almost immediately. But NOT Chrissy! Oh no sir! Chrissy was having a come apart trying to decide what flavor to get! 'I don't KNOOOOOWWW which one to GET! I can't decideeeeee!!!!"
(In my defense... they have like 15 different types of chocolate.)

The story gets more dramatic depending on who is retelling it... but it almost always ends with me crying and throwing myself on the ground in an apparent fit of utter confusion and indecisiveness.

This is not an uncommon theme in my life.

Paper or plastic? (Kill a tree or choke a dolphin??? How do I choose between those two?? Where are all those reusable bags I have?? I know I have them... oh, wait... that's where I keep the unmatched socks! Grr! I hate matching socks....ughhh.... fine...PLASTIC!)

Naming our children was always a major months-long conversation where as my hubby would have just gone all George Foreman on them and named everyone Paul.

What's for breakfast? What's for lunch? I don't know, what do YOU want?

I tend towards indecisiveness.

So, one day in a rare clouds-parting, angels singing the hallelujah chorus kind of a moment...
I decided that there HAD to be a way to weigh out those important decisions in life.
You know... the ones that actually matter??
Adoption comes to mind... but then, that's me.

One day a few years ago when we were seriously trying to make a decision about a major change I was just about begging God for an email or even an Priority Overnight delivered letter just spelling it out for us!!

That's when the cloud-parting experience took place.

And I believe He gave me a fool-proof check list... just for me... but that I will share with you!

1. Can you back it up with Scripture.
     Now, I'm not saying it's okay to go through the Bible and pull out one little verse and say you have Scripture backing your plans up. That's just wrong on a LOT of levels. But if your decision would mesh with a theme in scripture - say, loving your neighbor, giving to others, caring for people, taking care of your family... then you can check this one off with a YES.

2. When you pray about the situation, do you feel peace with your decision?
    Again, this has to be between you and Him because you KNOW if you are feeling at peace about something and no one else is going to be able to determine this one for you. However, if you are honestly seeking to make the most wise choice for yourself and your family, you will earnestly seek wisdom from the Lord and listen for the peace He gives you in your circumstance.

3.  Would it please Jesus?
     This is the fail-safe in the plan. You know what would please the Lord and what would not. You know in your heart because you feel it and you just know that you know.

Here's the reason why I think these questions work:
It involves each aspect of the Trinity.
God the Father through His Word, The Holy Spirit through prayer and waiting for peace (fruit of the spirit), and Jesus - by seeking to please Him!

It's not a magic trick... but it really helps my hubby and I to decipher Good from BEST in our family and in our decisions.

Try it some time...
you may be surprised! 

525,600 minutes

That's the amount of time since we got home from Ethiopia with our babies!

Well... approximately.

That's one full year.

Can you believe it?

I know it seems like yesterday to me sometimes...

like today.

Meeting their new sister!!

Waltz down memory lane by going up to my Most Popular Posts tab and reading our travel journal,

Or... you can just skip to the photos!

September 2009....

March 2010...

August 2010...

And Summer 2011....

playing dress-up with her sisters!

Then there's #6...

September 2009---

March 2010....

August 2010....

<---ignore super tired Mommy

And Summer 2011....

And then there's the baby boy!

September 2009

March 2010...

August 2010....

<---such a cheese ball!

Summer 2011...

Oh, my babies... 

I am just so happy you are OURS!!

Happy Family Day!!

I love you super big!

Love,

Mommy

Update, mid-summer, on the bucket list!

A while back I posted a list of things I'd like to do with the kids before school starts back in August.
How are we doing, you ask?
(Okay... you didn't ask...)

• Go strawberry picking We picked $60 worth. Yeah. I didn't realize how many lbs an Easter basket could hold. 
• Go blueberry picking (not yet. I'm trying to find a local place that doesn't charge a billion bucks since there are 7 of them and one wallet!)
• Go peach picking (See above)
• Make jams and assorted frozen fruits after picking them (kinda done-ish. I made strawberry jam!)
• Picnic at the pool
• Visit a waterfall (We have one nearby that would be okay, but the mosquitoes have been horrible...)
• Catch lightening bugs (aka fireflies) 
• Sprinkler on the trampoline (aka "jump-o-lene" to the littles)
• Go spend a day with Granny (Not yet..soon!)
• Make BLT's with my heirloom tomatoes once they grow and ripen (If they EVER grow big and ripen!!!)
• Can stuff...other than jam  (so far my potted garden isn't producing anything... sad.)
• Go camping 
• Visit a lake "beach" here in TN for a day trip (Feeling unmotivated to do this...)
• Grill artichokes
• Make exercising a habit (almost 3 weeks into a jogging/running training program now!)
• Take more photos with my good camera
• Plan for the August/September birthday boom in advance! (kinda done... we have thoughts and some plans!)
• Bug Jamey to death to make me nap mats for the girls to take to Kindergarten!(I'm calling it done... I may make them myself to save her the stress/sanity!!)
• Host a fire pit Smore making evening with our new neighbors We had them over July4th!
• Plan Christmas gifts that I can (and will actually) make (Um... babycakes, new body wash and lip stuff sounds good...)
• Grill dinner LOTS of times  We've made great use of the smoker we saved from going to the neighbors' trash! 
• Ice cream for dinner, outside, on the deck Okay, so it wasn't on the deck, but the flies are AWFUL and make outside eating NO fun! 

So... as you can see... I still have some stuff to do!

Other fun things we have done that weren't on my list:

• Went to see Cars 2
• We've been to the pool a billion times
• Shaving cream on the patio table
• Tons of  soap bubbles in the kiddie pool

What kind of fun are you having this summer with the kids?

Anything you have done that you think is an absolute must-do?

Chocolate dipped unicorns rolled in sprinkles.

That's how I think my life comes across sometimes.
Sunshine, roses...
lollipops...
galavanting through meadows of wildflowers...
rainbows and glitter.

Let me reassure you if you are out there nodding your head and saying, "yep...she's Little Suzie Sunshine on steroids!"
I'm not.

I don't blog about the bad stuff much...
but I have hard days just like everyone else.
Today was just such an occasion.
Actually, yesterday was too.
I blame July 4th festivities, fireworks for 5 days straight, and that anniversary thing I blogged about yesterday.

What does such a day look like, you ask?
Well...
it typically starts pre-dawn with either a small girl whispering something about being awake,
or...
a small boy flinging my bedroom door open so that it whacks into the wall creating a small sonic boom.
Thus, I sit STRAIGHT up from a dead sleep with an adrenaline rush which would allow me superpowers, if I weren't still half asleep.

After mumbling something about "go downstairs... I'm coming" and "no... it's not time for bela (eating) yet."
I roll out of bed and pout about how many other kids (and my first 4) would sleep till at least 7am every day.

If I was pro-active and made coffee the night before, I silently thank my forethought and planning, call myself a mothering genius, and crisis is sometimes avoided at this point.
If not...
I make coffee, with or without forgetting how many scoops I've already added to the filter, or prematurely dumping one half INTO the filter, half out of the coffeemaker and all over the counter. This does not improve my morning.

I try to convince the littles to play in the playroom, but instead they want to play "try to bug the crap out of mom first thing in the morning by opening and slamming the french doors".
I hate that game.
I try to drink the first cup of coffee with the news, but then recoil in grouchiness as I give in to Little Einsteins ("Little SkySize"). They clap along. I refill.

Breakfast on a bad day typically consists of me scanning the fridge and pantry for something fast, something they will eat and stay full for more than half an hour, and something I feel like preparing... while the baby boy is fussing, crying, whining and otherwise expressing his desire to eat. Now.
"Bela!!! BEEEELAAAAA!! Mommy, too unry (hungry), Mommy ees bela teyime?"
Well then, cereal it is.
"Cheerials" as they are known... poured, milked and served.

I snag the tv back to the news and try to enjoy a tiny slice of silence(ish).

On a bad day, funny stuff isn't funny.
On a bad day, cute kids aren't adorable.
On a bad day, kids laughing means trouble and all my parenting skills are all tested by each and every tiny tattle.

I look at the clock... crap. How can it be only 9am?!?!?
Check the phone. Yep. Crap. 9am. Still.

Someone starts screaming...
now another one too.
Perfect... let's see...
I'll take "someone didn't want to share, so someone took a toy and the other one hit back?" for $1000, Alex?

Idle threats, banishment back to the playroom, ignore slammed french doors, drink more coffee.

Bigger kids wake up, normally one or two at a time...
and ask what was for breakfast.
"Don't we have any OTHER cereal?"
"What ELSE is there?"
"What did the littles eat?"
"I'm not hungry..."

So I warn:
"The kitchen is closed from 9:30-11:30. Do not think of making food during that time. Breakfast now or wait till lunch."
quickly followed by.. "NO! I DON'T know what's for lunch yet!?!"

Send majority of children outside...
revolving door phenomenon... they are back inside.
"We're THIRSTY!"
"It's HOTTT!"
"I NEED a poss-sickle."

Oh. My. Gracious.
It's only 9:25.

Somehow, by the grace of God... I make it to Lunchtime which is the conjoined twin of Naptime.
Hallelujah!

Littles down for a nap...
Middles and Biggles threatened to find something or someone to play with or face Mt. Unfoldedlaundry, so not kidding.
Try to reset.
Computer, blog, facebook, email, chick flick, bath, more coffee, gardening, SOMETHING please pull me out of my funk!!

and then someone tip toes down stairs, faking a recently-awakened sleepy look.
(whispers...)
"Mom... I'm awake."

Round Two.

Perhaps a kid show for a bit during the hottest part of the day...
perhaps I will brave the community pool...
perhaps I will do someone's hair...
who knows.

Things I KNOW I will say:
"In OR out, guys!!"
"Shut the door!"
"No, no more snack! It's almost dinner time!"
"Didn't I just give you water?"
"No, no more poss-sickles."
"Tell him 'we don't hit."
"Go say 'I'm sorry'."
"You guys better clean that up..."

Dinner time...
various taxi duties...
pajamas, teeth, potty, prayers....
BED.

but on a bad day...
Bed time might take hours.
Crying, fussing, you name it...
hours.

And of course I handle it all with kindness, grace, gentleness, dignity, calm, patience, love, joy, peace...
or I'm human and I slump into a heap onto the couch after a day like that and feel
EVERY
SINGLE
ONE
of my shortcomings,
failures,
impatience,
grumpiness,
sarcasm...
and I let myself get down.
Like REALLY down.

I think, "Wow. Mom of the year strikes again! You should start a therapy fund for these kids like NOW!"
And I feel bad...
and I put myself down a bit...
and I think of all the different ways I want to be...
the better ways to respond...
the things I can do to cut it off before it gets started down that path...
the missed opportunities to just love my kids...
and I feel worse.

Then I eat ice cream.

Then I remember...
I'm just as sinful as the kids.
and His mercies are new every morning.
Or every 5 minutes, as the case may be.

16 years!

16.

16 years.

16 years ago today 

I married my best friend.

Well, he wasn't my best friend at the time...

we had only been dating around 100 days or so

on the day of our wedding.

But now...

now, I can't imagine ever coping with this

crazy

wonderful

busy

loud

funny

messy

sometimes stressful

always blessed

life we have together 

without him by my side.

Wedding shower in NY

16 years ago I nervously walked down an aisle

in a church that was WAY too big for number of people

we had in attendance.

16 years ago today I worried about

messing up my vows,

tripping down the stairs,

dropping the ring or the flowers in the transfer,

kissing in church,

kissing in front of my parents,

or if my hands would be too shaky for him to be able to put my ring on.

16 years ago today

our photographer took WAY too long taking staged photos,

cheesy photos,

and our guests waited downstairs in "Fellowship Hall"

for a simple, classically Southern, "cake and punch" type reception.

With hors d'oeuvre...

of course...

because I DID marry a chef.

16 years ago

I had never heard of wedding favors.

And therefore didn't provide any.

And therefore felt utterly embarrassed when my 

new in-laws asked what type of favors we were having.

16 years ago 

I figured we would have two or three children.

In a few years.

16 years ago

I was still a little girl playing house.

16 years ago ...

wow...

Who IS that girl I was back then?

I barely recognize her.

I have certainly grown and matured to the point

that I no longer identify with who I was back then.

But...

he married me anyway.

He didn't have to...

I was fairly certain he was going to run away.

I'm fairly certain he thought about it.

I'm glad he didn't.

16 years,

13 moves,

5 states,

3 time zones.

16 years...

7 gorgeous children.

Paul,

Thank you for sticking it out with me these past 16 years.

I know I'm often times crazy,

many times difficult,

sometimes impossible ...

but I know you love me anyway!

I love that I get to do this life-thing with you,

that you aren't afraid to dream big with me,

that you know what I want when I want "something that I want",

that you are SUCH a great daddy,

and that you can make me laugh!

Happy Anniversary, honey!

Here's to a whole bunch more!

xoxo

Photo journaling my day

I thought I would try a post to "show" you what a day-in-the-life-of-me really looks like...
so here goes!

5:30am. Too early to be awake...
but the new normal-
thanks to the littles.

"Holy toy explosion, batman!"
I will ignore it as
this playtime gives me time to
drink as much coffee as
possible before
they are all clamoring for food!

LOVE my new cookbook...
 LOVE the 6-week bran muffin recipe!

Looking good!

Maybe...

Awesome.

TV babysitter during Bible Study

More coffee, more Jesus.

Nap time...
get out all the hair stuff
so I am ready when the girls wake up.

Go move the pot-garden
 into the sun.

And the one who needed the
most sleep
woke up first. Perfect.

And so it begins.

An hour later...
Big and middle kids are home...
I am growing to hate Little Einsteins
but it is keeping #5 happy while
I detangle/part/braid repeat.

Another hour later.
Can't. Feel. Fingers.

#2, sweet baby girl...
asks to make dinner!
Yes! I will just keep braiding...

No photos of dinner, or bedtime routine...
or the finished hair-do...
but believe me that all of these things did happen!

DONE! Littles in bed,
fuzzy slippers  on,
Hubby home,
Dinner cleaned up,
Time for (DVR'ed) NCIS!

Then... bedtime for the bigger kids... then for me!

Yeah, this is fairly typical for the days we stay home...
minus the in-between stuff you DON'T have pictures of...
messes, spills, diaper changes, and the like!

It's not glamorous all the time, but it's my family!

It's just dessert!

Once upon a time... 

there was a daddy.

And that daddy decided that

in honor of the children's first discovery of

"little tiny snakes"...

or earthworms as we call them...

we should have

"Worms in Dirt"

for dessert.

#6 was pleased... she loves chocolate

like her mommy.

Baby boy was pleased.

He loves anything chocolate

and anything that will smoosh

all over his face.





#5... well...She thought it was funny.

At first.


"Hee hee hee!!
It's funny!!"



 





"HA ha HA ha HAAAA!"
(Uhm... Houston? Stand by...) 



Houston, we have a problem.

Panic sets in.
Daddy comes to the rescue.





 



Daddy tries to get her to taste the
pudding.
Yes, I think that's a gag-me face.




#5 still hysterical, #6 showing off her worm-eating skills.





"Look! I eat worm!!"

 





















Baby boy showing off his
dramatic worm-eating skills.

 

And that is the story of the day we learned that our sweet #5 got at least one trait from her mommy...

(aside from my irrational fear of all things slimy)

laugh to try to keep from crying... and when that doesn't work... cry hysterically!

And because I know you are wondering...

she DID evenutally come around to the gummy worm idea.

Her big sister (#3) convinced her to try a small piece...

telling her it was "candy".

And then... she became a fan of

"cut up very tiny worms".

The End.

Thirteen!

My sweet baby girl is 13 today.

She has walked right into "the teen years" as of this morning.
There's no turning back.

It's been coming for awhile... and while I might not always handle the changing tide the very best possible way, my little girl is growing up with our without my consent.

She was so little! Just 6lbs and 12 ounces when she was born! Our smallest baby by far!

I remember finding out I was pregnant with her... and crying to my Granny that I wish Dadums were still here because he would be so excited for another grandbaby.

I still remember taking that tiny little baby and placing her into her carseat for the ride home from the hospital!

I remember how HUGE her 19-month-old "big" brother suddenly became the day she was born!

I remember our first trip out - to Babies R Us to buy her some preemie clothes since she was being swallowed up by every "newborn" outfit we had purchased in varying shades of pink.

I remember timing her feeding and her brother's naptime so that I could fall asleep with her on the couch for an hour or so in the middle of the day!

 I remember when she became a big sister, too.

There was the time I walked into the kitchen and her big brother was sitting on her back giving her a haircut.

I remember on her 2nd birthday when she reached out to touch the flame of the candle on her cake before her Daddy and I could stop her.

I have pictures of her with yellow rubber cleaning gloves on her feet - pretending to be a duck.

There was the sad day that she fell off of the barstool at the kitchen counter and cracked her front tooth in half and we had to get it pulled. I almost had to be restrained at the dentists office.

I remember her playing with her first friends and her first day of school in Colorado Springs!

And I remember worrying when she was very sick and sitting on her chest to squirt medicine down her throat while she screamed and kicked and turned bright red and I remember crying afterwards that I had traumatized her but knowing that the benefit of this medicine would far outweigh that memory.

She had equal parts girly-girl and tom-boy... mani-pedi dates with her Aunt and her Nona, and camping in a tent in the wilderness of Colorado... and she was equally at home in either environment.

And then, the unthinkable happened.
My little girl started getting taller... and smarter... and wiser... and turned from being an adorable little baby girl into a beautiful young woman.

Oh, I wish I could bottle up the stuff that makes her who she is... I would share it with you all... she's just that amazing.

She has a great sense of humor...she's always quick with something to say that makes us laugh.

She is wonderful with little kids... even though she says how much she hates to babysit, she is in high demand!

She somehow navigates the turbulent waters of middle school without getting too much of it on her, and maintains her personality and charm without becoming a clone of the people around her.
She chooses great friends who I gladly welcome into our home because they are really wonderful girls.

I pray for the man she will marry someday... that the Lord is already preparing that boy, that he's growing up in a godly home with parents who love him as much as we love our baby girl. But that boy...he will have to prove himself worthy of her heart because she loves her Daddy and she will be looking for someone as wonderful as he is.

And ...she loves Jesus. She's after HIS heart and that makes me SO proud!

Her baptism day! Aug. 25, 2009

Sweet baby girl, I am blessed to be your Mommy!  I know these years are hard - I've been there before!
I know we don't always handle ourselves perfectly...and sometimes we fight...
but no matter where you go,
no matter what you do,
no matter what happens...
you will ALWAYS be my baby
and I love you more than you could ever possibly understand!
Happy 13th birthday, sweetheart!