Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I apologize in advance for offending you.
It will probably happen if you keep reading.

You have been warned.

Just in case you are wondering, 
we have no news on our court date yet.

For some reason, emails are not arriving from Ethiopia to Holt.
No, I don't know why it is that Holt can't get court 
outcomes when other agencies are able to hear.

So, back to the title.
What is this you ask?
It's the "churchy" language people speak when they
try to encourage someone else or explain away their troubles.

For example.
We have been waiting, matched to our kids, since late January.
Our dossier arrived in Ethiopia in March.
People are in Ethiopia TODAY taking custody of their kids
who they were matched with in late March.
And what do I hear when I complain about this?

"It's all in God's timing."

Yes indeedy.
So if I have a piece of paper sitting on my desk for a 
month and neglect to sign it, that's God's timing when 
I finally remember it sitting there and mail it in.
Not just that I am an idiot and should have put a 
brighter colored sticky note on the front.


"God can take care of your babies 
better than you can right now anyway."
Uh huh. 
I feel much better now.
So, a homeless, starving child who lives in a dump 
scavenging food from the trash is better off there because 
the Lord can take better care of him than a parent could right now.
I think not.

This falls into the same category as things I heard when I miscarried.
"You wouldn't have wanted that baby... it was probably deformed or something."
"These things all happen for a reason."
"Jesus wanted to keep that baby with him instead."

I say, what kind of God would give you a 
child for a few weeks, 
instilling hope and joy,
only to rip it away.
Not MY God.
I don't know about YOURS...
but MY God says we live in a fallen world,
full of consequences of sin.
I don't think He makes mistakes.
I don't think he messes up a baby then says
"oops...recall on that one!"
All children are a gift from the Lord.
Which brings me back to adoption Christianese.

"Patiently waiting on the Lord".

Yes... but is it REALLY God holding up my paperwork?
Or is it MAYBE, just MAYBE another 
consequence of living in a fallen, imperfect world?

"God is just teaching you a lesson about something."
I am all for learning lessons, but when
you are in the middle of something super hard..
is it really the most wise time to bestow such 
wisdom on someone who is hurting?
Instead of loving the lesson we wind up disliking the teacher.
Which one of us would love a parent who teaches us about 
the stove being hot by placing our hand 
directly on the burner while it is glowing red?
I believe God ALLOWS things to 
happen so that we can learn and grow.
I don't think He sits up there just waiting to 
smash us to smithereens so we can learn 
something valuable.

So, please.
The next time you wish to bless someone with your 
vast expanse of Biblical knowledge...
remember this:

Sometimes the best thing you can say is just
"I am so sorry."
"I wish I had something to say that would help."
"What can I do to help you?"
"How can I pray for you right this minute?"
"I hate that this has happened/is happening to you."
just give them a hug.

And don't walk away after 2 seconds.

Let them cry if they need it.

And just be there.


  1. Oh I agree. I finally had a little flip out on my friend who tried to explain to me the reason why my court date was postponed... Really? I know the reasons, I don't care about the reasons.


  2. Amen! I've ranted about this a few times before, just not on our adoption blog. I try to remind myself that people are just trying to be nice or help in a way they think is useful, but they're ignorant about this and don't bother putting themselves in YOUR shoes.

    I'm sorry you've been waiting so long. That's so frustrating! *huge hug*

  3. Perfectly said. I completely agree with you. And I'm sorry. I do not have words....but am sorry.

  4. Definitely not offended... I have had most if not all of these comments said to me over the course of our adoptions. And I felt the same way you did.

    Sometimes people do not understand how their words sound to people who are waiting for their children to come home!

  5. What about, "waiting sucks"? Is that okay to say? :)
    I love you, Chris!

  6. Not offended- actually this was very well said so all I will add is waiting stinks especially when other agencies seem to be getting things done or when people with shorter timelines are further ahead. Waiting is brutal and only other adoptive parents understand how hard it is to wait for things that are so out of our control. Hugs to you while you get through this wait. Hoping you hear something soon


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