Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I think the dry cleaner lost my positive pants.

My sister has this thing for Positive Pants.
It's somewhat like
"put on your big girl panties and deal with it..."
but in a more positive manner.
I wrote a post a long time ago wearing said pants...
but recently I have begun to come to the realization 
that either
A. Someone STOLE my positive pants!
B. The dry cleaner LOST them.
C. They are too tight and I have to lay on the bed 
and suck in my tummy to zip them up, 
thus rendering them banished to the far 
recesses of my mental closet.

I'm gonna go with B.

Not really.
I know I have been in a funk.
Even the passing court news didn't hit me quite as 
wonderfully upside the head as I was hoping it would.

Not that I am not excited... 
I am very excited to meet my children.

I am just tired.

Monday I felt wronged by the tone of
someone's voice over the phone.

Tuesday I wrote an email that was like
an internet fart that cleared the whole room.

Today I wait for a phone call with our
agency to help settle me down.

I don't think you can ever really be 
prepared for the emotions of an adoption.

The obsessing, the panic, the paperwork craziness, 
the elation followed by sheer devastation, 
the unknowns, the timeline madness,
 the joy, the fear,
the anxiety and
the peace.

It can be wonderful,
but it can also make you absolutely insane.

Right now, the next person who asks me how soon 
till we bring them home may wind up being my kleenex.

Then there's the fear.
What will this look like once we are home?
How many ways will my life change?
Will I have time to do ANYTHING for myself anymore?
Will I live in a complete disaster zone 
since I can't put any one child down for 
more than 5 seconds all day long?
What if they don't get along?
What if we DON'T bond right away?
What if, what if, what if, what if....

And the thing is...
You can't prepare for every "what if".

You can't plan for the unknowns.

All you can do is prepare the best you know how to do,
Ask for prayers for everything under the sun,
Hope you get to go get them soon,
try to be at peace,
and trust that (as much as you hate to hear it)
this part will be over soon.
How soon is soon?
I don't know.
That's the cruddy part.
It's not like being pregnant and knowing that 
no matter what, you won't go over 42 weeks.

I am hereby promising to relocate my positive pants.

I will not wallow in the muck and ickiness
of worry, doubt and fear.

I will know that all of this is beyond MY control..
so I can let go of my false sense of control.

I will relax and enjoy the last few weeks I have at home with my
4 kids and prepare to have 7 running around.

I will do my (awful, horrible, gigantic pile of) laundry
AND put it away
AND not threaten to institute naked week.

I will smile more and remember that my worry 
is causing unsightly lines around my eyebrow/nose area.

And I will squeeze into those positive pants if it kills me.

1 comment:

  1. 1. I read this and thought I'd pass it along:
    Phillipians 4:4-7
    "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

    2. I was pregnant for over 42 weeks. I switched out my "positive pants" for my "hate pants" at 41 weeks and kept them on until she was born. :)


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