Saying goodbye

2010 was a good year.

We watched in amazement as things 

progressed with our adoption of our babies.

We saw God provide in ways we weren't sure

were even possible.

We learned that nothing is impossible for Him!

It's a little sad for me to see 2010 leaving.

There's comfort in resting in the same place where

you have seen the Lord working. 

Reminding myself that there's nothing magical about

a number on the calendar, I still see the new year approaching

with a little twinge of sadness.

Here are some of my favorite memories of 2010:

• Finishing our homestudy the first week of January!
• Being approved (finally) for our babies on 1/21!
• Getting our dossier turned in!
• Business trip to San Antonio with my parents!
• Getting our dossier approved, and received in Ethiopia!
• Hearing we were being grandfathered into the one-trip program!
• My first niece was born! (We have 5 nephews!)
• Our monsoon yard sale that brought in amazing, much needed funds!
• Every message of hope, prayers sent, and happiness from people we know, and those we have never met!
• Being gifted thousands of dollars in the form of grants and unexpected checks from our family!
• Every time someone traveled to Ethiopia and returned with news of having hugged my babies and telling them we are coming for them!
• Photo updates
• Watching our four kids at home getting excited to meet their new siblings
• Trips to the pool as a newly unemployed mom
• Anniversary trip with Hubby
• Getting our very own Embassy appointment and learning we would wind up traveling with the mom of the "girl in the cow sweatshirt".
• Sitting in the airport restaurant after checking in for our flights and talking with my hubby.
• The Ethiopian taxi ride to our hotel at 1am
• First (shockingly strong) Ethiopian coffee
• Meeting the Holt staff, laughing with our travel group, and the visible excitement on all our faces
• Seeing and holding our children for the very first time!
• Meeting their birth parent
• Taking custody and feeling like a first-time Mom again
• Their first shower (THAT was hilarious!!)
• Arriving home and hugging my big kids!
• Our first morning in the house as a family of 9!
• Fumbling through Amharic words and being corrected by a 5 year old!
• Sweet little oiled-up brown babies fresh from the bubble bath!
• Big kids teaching little kids
• Annual Labor Day trip to local theme park
• Birthday parties
• Learning to "do hair"
• Wolaytinga songs
• The little girls singing "Our God" really loudly on the porch while handing out Halloween candy
• First Thanksgiving - "Mommy, dis BIG bila!"
• Shopping for the kids' yearly ornament in the first snow!
• First Christmas!

I know it's a long list...

and I know it's not complete!

Here's hoping for another great year in 2011!

Medium-thick skin

I've been doing some thinking lately on the comments people make when we are out and running around.

When we first started this whole adoption thing I wasn't familiar with the terminology

that is appropriate or not and I certainly didn't think I could have

possibly offended anyone with an innocent question.

Since being in the process I have been reading about other people and their journeys, and I eventually became aware of certain phrases that boil the blood of adoptive parents.

Not normally being a very "P.C." person,
I tend to take these type of social mores as a general rule of thumb,
and then do what I am comfortable with.
For example...
the whole "African American" vs. "Black" thing.
No one has ever referred to me as anything other than "white"...
certainly never German/Irish/Native-American.
I am personally a little "over" trying to please everyone with our labels.
My children are who they are.
When I fill out a form at a doctors office,
I normally circle "African"...
and leave off the "-American" part...
even though they ARE American by virtue of
their immigration status.

Hence, my confusion with the whole
"positive adoption language"
thing.

Some parents call them
"birth family"
or
"first family"
or
"biological family".

The only one that bugs me is
"real family"... as in,
"What happened to their REAL family?"
Yeah, that's offensive on a couple of levels.
First:
If you have the right to know,
you already do.
Second:
We are their real family.
I know what you are asking,
but THINK about what you just said.

Some people ask if I have any other
"natural children".
I heard this yesterday.
"Obviously, you are not the natural mother of this child."
Ouch.
As for excusing this one...
I'm working on it.
I have no happy little reply,
nothing to say...
except I should send out a general warning to anyone who
feels comfortable enough to ask questions of me in this way...
my "filter" is gradually being flipped into the "off" position.
Next time I may go full-on sarcastic and
ask if "by natural, do you mean
he doesn't appear as though he grew in my uterus?
Or are you saying my son is a cyborg?"

I do have some thick-ish skin growing a covering
over my heart though.
When I hear someone talk about
having my "hands full"...
what used to bug me now just
makes me think, wow - they think I am a SUPER mom!
And I check to be sure my cape isn't showing.

When someone wants to talk about adoption
when I am not prepared to have that conversation at that moment...
I try to envision myself being able to impact the life of more
orphaned children who may now have a family
because of a conversation I chose to have
on my terms.

I'm not saying I'm perfect,
but I am learning that not everyone
with something stupid coming out of their mouth
has malicious intent.
Sometimes they are just as ignorant as I was
just over a year ago
and I need to have some grace.

Their first Christmas!

Christmas was

wonderful!

I may have had a slight

teary mini-breakdown on the 23rd

just thinking about how grateful I am that

THIS YEAR

my babies are

HOME.

THIS YEAR

we aren't begging some

committee somewhere on the west coast

to allow us to be their parents.

We ARE the parents.

THIS year

we weren't 

looking at grainy photos

with sad eyes

and sickly bodies.

THIS year 

we had squeals of delight,

laughter that brought tears,

and overwhelming

gratitude.

Sure...

we had our bouts of

"oh my gosh they are

SO overwhelmed

and

SO tired

and 

SO needing a nap!"

but mostly

it was lots of fun!

Hearing #6 walking around

the house all day on Christmas

repeating

"Happy Birthday Baby Jesus! 

Happy Birthday, baby Jesus!"

like the last line of the traditional birthday song...

just too sweet.

Baby Boy 

terrified of the tennis-ball-sized

toy chipmunk

that squeaks

and races across the wood floors...

but thinks flying down

the toy roller coaster

is lots of fun!

Go figure.

And #5,

who thought she 

was going to get to 

"hold baby Jesus"

on Christmas

since it was His birthday

after all!

And the bigger four...

they were very sweet too.

They enjoyed helping the littles

decide what to open next,

putting their toys together,

and teaching them how to play with them.

Learning to use a Sit-N-Spin is a big skill, you know!

We had a VERY Merry Christmas!

Do you see my baby boy??

oh THERE he is! Under all that packing paper his sister is throwing on top of him!

Why can't I have a pink tricycle?

Extreme coastering. Take one.

My Favorite Things (at 4:20am)

Having been told that

my posts have been somewhat

"ranty"

lately...

I thought it was time for a 

change of pace!

So, instead of telling you about the bone scan for baby boy,
and the SUPER rude lady in the waiting room with her poorly-phrased questions,
or the funny thing that a 2nd grader said at the class Christmas party...
I will tell you about my favorite things!

It's hard to find much in the way of

"favorite" things before 6am...

but...here goes!

Since my sweet baby boy has decided that

the 4am hour is the new 6am hour...

I love this:

My coffee pot!

Sing with me now...

"Tumble out of bed and

stumble to the kitchen,

pour myself a cup of ambition,

yawnin', stretchin' try to come to life..."

(If you don't know this song...

shame on you.

Stop reading my blog and go google 

Dolly Parton, 9 to 5.)

Only my song would be titled 

4-9, but who's counting.

Another favorite thing...

I don't actually HAVE these slippers...

but considering the cold tile floor in the kitchen...

I think they would make me happy.

Next on the list...

I can't find a photo online of the grey fuzzy blanket

that stays on my couch for cuddling under 

on cold mornings when it's still dark outside... 

but I highly recommend having one of your own.

Next...

Whichever one of these three wakes me up in the pre-dawn hours.

Okay, so they aren't really lower on the list than slippers, coffee and a blanket.

Most mornings lately, it's the baby boy that wakes up around 4:20.

I get him and put him in the bed with hubby and I and pretend like he is

going to go back to sleep for another hour or two.

He likes to wiggle around...

presumably trying NOT to go 

back to sleep.

And he asks me

over

and 

over

and

over again..

if he is 

"Mommy's baby?"

and I say

"Yes... you are mommy's baby."

It's very sweet.

(Don't get me wrong...

it would be sweeter at 6am...

but it's sweet.)

Another favorite thing?

Chuggington.

It's a relatively low-irritation cartoon that

baby boy really likes for some reason.

He won't sit still and watch very much on TV

but he likes this show. 

And it's on really early.

And there are no singing/dancing/goofy humans.

What I do NOT love early in the morning??

An early Christmas present he got from

his grandparents.

Yeah. 

I don't know what I did to them to deserve this toy.

But, sometimes... 

when he's home...

this guy comes to the rescue.

He's my MOST favorite of my favorite things.

Isn't he handsome?

I know. You can't have him.

Sometimes he wakes up with the littles

and entertains them

while I "sleep in" (till 6).

Sometimes he comes and sits on the couch with me

and we watch the news 

and drink coffee

snuggled under the fuzzy blanket.

And on those days,

pre-dawn looks a lot better.

What the heck?

What is going on?

Have we landed on an alien planet??

What is wrong with people??

First the shooting at the school board earlier this week...

countless other horrible stories on the news...

things that just break your heart.

Then I read on my friend (and pastor)'s blog (his blog is here)

today about this lady who is suing Mc*Donald's

because she can't say "No" to her

kids since the marketing makes her kids want

 Happy Meal toys??

Give me a flipping BREAK!

Anyone who can't just keep driving

and tell their children NO to McD's

doesn't deserve to be a parent.

I mean, FOR REAL.

What's next??

Sue the candy people

because your kid has cavities?

Sue the toy people because 

your kids are convinced they 

NEED a new whatever-talking-toy?

Or worse...

just give in to every little thing they ask for

because you are a WIMP!
Create an entire society of people with entitlement issues
because they think they "deserve"
EVERY LITTLE THING
they want
just because.
(Oh wait.. we already HAVE that.)

Being a parent MEANS

setting limits,

saying NO,

being unpopular.

And while I'm getting all over people's business...

How about this one...

Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus!

To celebrate this year I thought I would

buy pointless things for people

who don't need them

or want them

with money I don't have

while forgetting 

why we have this holiday

and stressing myself out

so bad

that I need medication

just to get through

this month.

Happy Birthday!

UGH.

But wait! There's more!

I am so OVER middle schoolers and their

feigned interest in breast-cancer awareness.

On the news today was a story about

kids at a PA middle school being expelled for

wearing awareness bracelets that say 

I (heart) Boob*es.

The students say its all about

"Breast Cancer Awareness".

Hogwash I say.

My son earlier this year wore

another student's jacket

(a girl) 

which happened to be baby pink.

Every day.

For "breast cancer awareness".

Uh huh.

How about Breast Awareness.

That sounds more accurate to me.

Like posting a cartoon photo on facebook

is going to stop child abuse...

or posting what color bra you wear

will bring awareness to anything 

other than your bra color.

Seriously???

Get a real cause.

Do something REAL

for a REAL person

who has a REAL need.

Because...

it's not about me

or you

or McD's

or presents under a tree

or any 

other stupid

"Slacktivism"

they can dream up.

It's about being Jesus

to a world in 

SEVERE

NEED.

Heaven knows we need it.

EVIL, I tell you...

Baby Boy...

poor, sweet, precious baby boy...

He much prefers to just stay warm.

And dry.

And not in need of mittens.

INSIDE the house.

But, being the good mom that I am...

I thought I would be interrogated in an unkind way

someday in the future

if there were no pictures of him

in his first SNOW!

So I took him out... all bundled up...

and snapped photos while he expressed

his displeasure.

He was wearing like 5 layers of clothes.

However... 

OTHER small children LOVED the snow...

(#6.. hugging the snow)

AND this one loved it too!!

(#5 kept saying "Me snow I love!)

And we had some neighbors over to play outside...

we were the only weird-o's playing in the snow at night

but by morning it had turned a little crunchy!

First snowfall... CHECK!

Santa Perspective

I have always loved Santa!

I love the story,

I love the spirit,

I love the fun of playing the game.

I love opening my stocking the MOST

on Christmas morning

and I love the magical sparkle in my 

children's eyes when they see the

crumbs on the plate and the 

letter left behind addressed to them.

I mean,

I make reindeer food to sprinkle in the yard.

I have always loved these things!

However...

this year something is different.

The littles seem to recognize Santa,

but they have no history with him.

They don't have any concept of Christmas morning.

For the middle two who still let me think they 

believe in Santa...

I have a hard time explaining how it is that

Santa only visits rich kids.

I mean, seriously.

Think about that for a second.

Just over a year ago, my babies were literally starving.

To death.

They barely had clothes,

had no shoes,

and they were dying.

But Santa didn't bring them anything.

He didn't put a tootsie roll bank in their stockings.

He didn't leave them a blankie

or a snuggly stuffed animal.

He left them without gifts

and took presents to all the

rich kids around the world.

Without giving my husband any reasons to say

"SEE! I told you we never should have done the

whole 'Santa' thing!!"...

maybe this year, we will really be able to focus

on the

baby.

Because, you know what??

Santa failed my babies.

But Jesus saved their lives,

held them on cold nights,

wept when they were sad,

and kept them safe from dangers in the night.

Jesus didn't put candy canes 

in their stockings,

but He put them in our family...

and that, my friends,

is

truly

MAGICAL!!

Feeding the crowd

When I write my "how to survive your first year of adoption" book (ha ha...)

there will be at least one chapter dedicated to meal times.

I wrote yesterday about "self-care" and on that list 

was the need to plan meals

so that I don't self-destruct.

The problem with "meals" at our house is that

my littles eat like Hobbits.

How do I mean?

Well...

"Hobbits eat at least seven meals known as breakfast, 

second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, 

afternoon tea, dinner and supper."

Yep. Sounds like my children!

Breakfast - the meal eaten around 6am when I am getting the big 2 off to school.

Their bus comes at 6:40, so I have to prepare something FAST, 

and normally warm since it's dark and like 20 degrees outside at that time of "day".

Second Breakfast - the meal eaten around 7:30 when 

I am getting the middle 2 off to school.

Their bus comes at 8. This is a little more 

flexible and cereal is a common request.

Elevenses - Some sort of snack... which is actually not at 11, but more like 10.

Luncheon - Yeah... lunch. Around 11-11:30, depending on how soon

I can get my act together.

This usually leftovers from the night before, 

PB&J or something fast if they are cranky 

and need to go to bed ASAP.

 - - - Nap Time!! - - -

Afternoon Tea - Snack once they wake up from naps.

Dinner - The snack they think they should also get when 

the kids get home from school and are eating a snack.

Supper - Our ACTUAL dinner.

As you can imagine, it's difficult to plan meals, grocery lists, and budget on this type of schedule.

I like to keep lots of fruit in the house for those in-between meals/snacks, but that's not always possible without many, many trips to the store during the week. 

So for other Hobbit Mommies out there...

here are some of my meal/snack go-to items.

Breakfast/Second-Breakfast:

Other than cereal (which is normally the generic brand of O-shaped stuff),

we do scrambled eggs and cheese on flour tortillas (good on the run),

Egg sandwiches,

and sometimes a slice of apple with cinnamon-sugar 

rolled up in a crescent roll and baked.

These are our less-messy choices for school days.

Snacks before lunch and after nap:

You know those cute little bathroom cups 

that only hold about 2 oz of liquid?

Well they are my portion-control for snack time.

I fill them with O-cereal, pretzel sticks, a few animal crackers,

or whatever small snack food I have on hand.

Lunch:

As I said, a lot of days this is leftovers.

Some days, we need nap-time to come quickly...

and on those days I throw together a sandwich or tortilla roll 

and a small piece of fruit - 

sliced apples, orange slices, grapes, or half a banana.

Dinner:

Confession... I HATE dinner.

I hate cooking dinner when Paul is out of town.

I hate cleaning up after dinner and I would prefer to feed 

everyone ice cream and just be done with it.

However... I realize they need to eat an actual meal...

so I cook simple food for dinner.

Sometimes its convenient food like pizza, 

corn dogs (don't judge me), 

or nuggets...

other days its something requiring more effort 

than opening a bag from the freezer.

Some of my go-to dinner solutions are

Baked pasta (like ziti - but made with whatever I have on hand)

Roasted chicken with rice and vegetables

Tacos

Fajitas

Mexican "lasagna"

and

Fried Rice

 I should add the little note that

I can't eat gluten.

Gluten is in most of those dinner items...

which means I make something for me.

I am easier to please.

I grab a bunch of lettuce, 

some lunch meat, some cheese and whatever

and dip it in homemade honey mustard.

Sometimes I eat the same leftovers I had for lunch.

Sometimes I have cereal.

Sometimes I have gluten-free oatmeal.

Whatever...

I don't really care.

BUT...

when Paul is home...

he cooks wonderful, magical things!

The other night he made fish tacos and beef tacos

 and Mexican rice! Yummmm!

He makes delicious soups in massive quantities so I have

plenty of leftovers for the week, which is super helpful!

So... there you have it.

A glimpse into our meal-time "routine"!

Any other tips you have are very welcome!!

Snowflake Sweatshop

I love paper snowflakes!!

Clearly, I have passed along this love.

I have my own sweatshop now!

Mwoohoohoohahaha!!

Perhaps it IS beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Self-care??

There are women out there in the world

who make it look easy.

Some of them have twice as many kids

as I have, and the photos I see online and in magazines

look like they have a team of tiny fairies flittering

around their homes all day picking up stray socks,

dog fur clumps, dust bunnies, and dropped cheerios.

I am not that woman.

I currently have socks on my coffee table

because I probably picked them up off of the carpet and 

then laid them down when I picked up 

something else.

I have not vacuumed today 

(and we have 7 kids and a giant furry beast of a dog).

I have unfolded laundry curing in my rocking chair

more in the washer and dryer and still more waiting to get washed.

I didn't bother to make my bed this morning.

Or most any other morning.

Because, seriously...

who is going to see it??

(Hi, Mom... sorry. But it's true.)

So, when my friend Jamey gave me a blog topic

of "self-care"

("You know, how you take care of yourself so you don't burn out")

I thought she might be losing her mind.

Take care of myself???

Seriously??

Ha.

There was this one day that I thought I was going to be all

organized and stuff...

so I made myself a "to-do" list.

Vacuum

Dishes

Take boxes to garage

put summer clothes in attic

change sheets on beds

fold laundry

put laundry away

shower

clean hallway chalkboard

declutter toys in playroom

bring potted plants inside

And do you see the problem??

Other than the dead plant on my porch...

I didn't get to cross of "shower" on my list.

So my sarcastic genius friend Jamey tells me

to write a post about my PLAN for self-care then.

Ah HA!

Another to-do list.

Since I am clearly in need of such a plan...

FINE.

I'll give it a go.

Honestly, it is HARD to think about taking care of

yourself when you have 7 kids, a husband and a dog.

It's hard to carve out a few minutes to do something

that puts energy back into ME because I know there is 

the ever growing list of things everyone ELSE needs.

The laundry that never ends...

The dishes that multiply like caged rabbits...

The homework...

The floors...

The toys...

The piles of books, paper, magazines, catalogs..

The THINGS that everyone leaves all over the place...

Those things all sabotage any plans I have of taking care of ME.

What this leads to is...

bitterness,

discontentment,

anger,

frustration,

self-pity

and 

irritability.

Who likes those things?

Not me.

SO.

A plan.

A realistic plan.

I'm thinking that for starters:

• I will eat breakfast before 9am.
• I will take my vitamins regularly (working towards every day).
• I will get dressed with shoes on and be prepared for whatever comes up.
• I will use nap time wisely (shower, relaxing project, etc) and to my advantage.
• I will plan menus since meals are a constant stress on my brain.
• I will make chore lists for the kids and stop feeling bitter about them not helping with things I have not asked them for help with. I know they don't pick up anything unless told, so I need to just write it down and stop feeling frustrated.

I know...

It's no major breakthrough...

but I think it will help.

No promises, but I MIGHT decide to make my bed, too.

Yokay?

The truth about adopting "older" kids

is that they do have baggage.

You were right all along!

They come with their own circumstances,

their own ideas,

their own opinions,

their own tastes,

their own memories,

their own fears,

their own everything.

And then you plunk them down in the middle

of YOUR ideas,

your opinions,

your tastes,

your memories,

your fears,

your everything.

And sometimes things clash.

Sometimes you just flat out FORGET.

You wake up one morning and you FORGET

that you are dealing with small people with baggage.

It's easier than you might think.

I forget that they have witnessed sickness.

I forget that they know all about death

and disease

and suffering

and hunger.

And I go and get sick.

Achy back, coughing, losing-my-voice, 

feel like just sleeping all day...

sick.

And I'm missing my other half this week.

I stumble through the day...

trying to keep things under some

semblance of control.

I realize I am getting worse,

not better,

no matter how many bottles of 

magical vitamins I consume.

I let the oldest make 

PB&J for dinner,

I slice the apples.

I haphazardly do teeth brushing

and pajamas

and be sure not to kiss them on their lips

as I say goodnight

even though I always do.

I walk into the hall coughing

and trying to catch my breath.

And there is this little voice.

"Mommy... Nay!"

He needs me.

He needs me to feel secure,

to feel comforted,

he needs me to be near

so he can fall asleep

and know he is safe

and secure

and loved.

So I delay my plans of a blissfully

early bedtime

with the heating pad,

some ibuprophen, 

and perhaps some cough syrup concoction...

and I go sit next to my baby.

He immediately stops crying once I enter the room

and just says "Mommy, stay?"

How can I not?

When the cough returns

he sits straight up in the bed.

"Yokay?"

"Mommy... yokay?"

Is it fear in his voice?

Is it concern?

He was so little when he would have witnessed

the trauma that brought him into our lives...

does he somehow remember?

"I'm okay, baby. Go to sleep."

"Yokay? Mommy yokay?"

"Yes, Mommy is okay. 

Lay down..."

He asks about Daddy...

He's at work.

Minutes pass.

He's watching me.

I breathe shallow, slow breaths

to try to keep from coughing.

"It's okay, baby. Go to sleep."

Then I start to feel his body relax into his bed,

his breathing gets slower and deeper

and I know he is finally

able to relax

and sleep.

So now I drown myself in potions,

magical lotions,

syrups and pills...

and pray that I am better tomorrow.

Last year

December 3, 2009

After the emotional couple of weeks we had experienced...

the super "high" of finally applying to an agency...

the super "low" of finding out the normal wait times had doubled

between the day we faxed our application and the day we got our packet of info...

and the "low" of wondering "NOW what?!?"...

After those things had settled a bit...

Someone asked me if we had considered "Waiting Children".

Believing they were all going to be teenagers with 

super difficult emotional issues we weren't prepared to deal with... 

we had not considered "Waiting Children".

Well... my curiosity got the best of me.

I googled "agencies with Waiting Child listings".

And what I found...

after mere hours of searching a few agency websites

was this:

Clockwise from top left... #5, #6 and Baby Boy #7.

They were tiny.

They were precious.

And they were perfect!

One year ago today...

It's amazing.

Pretty cool!

December 2009:

December 2010:

Isn't that cool?

I sure think so!

"Outside lights off"

In another installment of 

"funny things the kids say"...

#5's term for "it's dark outside" 

is "outside lights off"

or sometimes "no outside lights on".

Many times she says things a little backwards...

like "Me Mommy I love"

which means

I love you, Mommy.

(I'll take it!)

and Six will tell me:

"This no I love."

instead of

I don't like it.

It's amazing how much English they are using now!

As I was sitting and detangling Five's hair yesterday, 

she casually told her Daddy and I that: 

"In Ethiopia, outside lights off, doggies eat."

When we asked for clarification...

she made this low growling sound.

Yikes.

When we asked her what they eat...

she named herself and the other two littles.

Double yikes.

As they are speaking more English...

we are learning more about their life in Ethiopia.

Some things we can't even fathom here in the USA.

Our dogs don't typically pose a threat.

We don't have dogs coming to steal 

our children away in the night.

We don't have to worry about SO many things

that my babies had to worry about.

Have you ever had to worry if you were going 

to be able to feed your children in the morning?

Have you watched someone die of Malaria?

Yeah... me neither.

Their history is difficult.

Their stories are often hard to hear.

But watching them chatter in either language about 

the lights on the tree...

or hearing them try to sing along to songs on the radio...

I am SO thankful that I get to walk them through these things.

I get to be the one to hug my girls and tell them that they 

don't have to be afraid of the dark anymore.

And that our giant fuzzball won't EVER try to eat them.

She is a SUPER picky eater.

Triggers

Trigger - 

(N) An event that sets off a series of thoughts, feelings, 

emotions or sometimes physical reactions 

based solely on a memory. 

(Dictionary according to Chrissy)

Before we adopted our three kiddos,

I had my own set of triggers.

It might be a smell,

a sound,

a phrase,

a tone of voice...

but there are things that "set me off".

And not in a good way.

I have a friend, Lisa, who knows a lot about "triggers" too.

If I am having a bad day, I can call her and say...

"There was this 'trigger'..."

and she understands.

Her advice?

Since she's one of the most Jesus-loving women I know...

she says "trap the crap".

(Which is a reference to the verse 

"take every thought captive" 2 Cor. 10:5)

I love my friend and her way of saying things

so that they stick in my head.

I sometimes need reminders to trap the crap...

especially when I have let the trigger take hold

of my entire brain and send me head-first

into a hurricane of emotion.

My problem is this:

my three littles can't identify their own triggers

and they can't communicate them to me

and I can't help head them off

because I don't know where they are hiding.

This morning it was raining outside.

Was that the trigger?

It was dark when 5 and 7 woke up.

#6 slept in until 6:05am.

Was the darkness the trigger?

Whatever it was...

wherever it was hiding...

Baby Boy had a big food meltdown this morning.

I know my babies know what it is to be "starving".

I don't allow that word anymore out of the mouths of my first four.

I guarantee they don't know "starving" like the littles know "starving".

The first four barely allow their tummies to growl... much less...starving.

Maybe he felt a little hungry and the hunger itself was a trigger.

Crying hysterically, 

Big huge tears,

Clinging to my legs,

BEGGING for milk, water, food of any kind...
it was PANIC.
I saw PANIC in his eyes.

Horrible.

It was horrible.

And it took me a minute to remember his past.

To remember that he knows starvation.

To remember that he knows the feeling of being hungry

and not getting food.

He knows drinking unclean water.

He knows...

WAY more than a baby boy should know.

So once I saw what was going on...

and identified the source of the problem...

He got a bottle of milk,

with a little extra cream,

a handful of cereal on his tray

while I made his favorite...

pancakes with apple butter.

And he ate several.

And we hit the "reset" button

on this trigger.