What's in a hug?

Just so you know...

I’m still here.

Thank you for the encouraging replies,

phone calls and emails after my post on Saturday.

FYI... that was my first weekend day to be sans-husband...

so I maybe felt worse that day since I was “on duty” with the 7 all alone!

So... lets talk about attachment.

In infants, attachment happens between parents and child at a regularly increasing rate. Mothers feed their babies, gaze into their eyes, and bonds form.

In adoption, it's a little harder.

All potential adoptive parents take classes and read books on adoption issues like attachment. Most of us know what to look for and what you hope to see. Most of us also read horror stories about what you pray you DON’T see.

One of our girls is having a tough time.

She will go to anyone,
always wants strangers to hold her,
hugs and kisses anyone,
and cuddles with whoever will pick her up.

To the innocent bystander, this looks like an adorable, friendly, lovable child who just LOVES people.

As an informed adoptive mom, I know that is SO far off from true.

This is a problem.

So... friends and family reading this...
no more picking up our middle girl.

No more.

Starting now, and until further notice.

Monday night at the men’s softball game she was held and passed around by many in our church body. No harm, no foul... she loved it, the friends loved seeing all three kiddos and the other two did much, much better at “checking in” with me and returning to me for affection (and snacks).

HOWEVER.

Then it was time to be done passing them around and get the kids into the stroller to get ready to go home. This is when the problem jumped in my face and demanded my attention.

She rejected me. Her mommy. Rejected.

When I took her away from the person holding her she began arching her back, reaching for someone else (anyone else). She was reaching for someone to take her away from me.

It was an eye-opening moment for me.
I saw first-hand what those books were talking about.

We had only been home 2 weeks when this happened and since it FELT like longer and everyone SEEMED to be doing fine, I assumed it would be okay for friends to hold them.

That’s not okay.

It’s textbook “not okay”.

So what do we do??

Well... friends and family reading this...
no more picking up our middle girl.

No more.

Starting now, and until further notice.

What else can we do?

The experts say to “regress” children like this to as early as possible. Holding to be fed, eye contact at meals, lots of cuddle time, physical touch type stuff.

The trick is to get this in during the day when you aren’t also being climbed up like a bean pole by two other children who want that same cuddle time.

So, short of growing a pouch and sticking her in it...
she will be with us, only us, until further notice.

And please don’t be offended... this is for her long-term emotional health, and after all...
she is my baby.