Saturday, August 14, 2010

Life... or something like it

Hello sweet readers!
If you are a potential adoptive parent, or a precious new mom or perhaps a relative who loves me and doesn't want to hear anything teensie weensie negative... please go check out

Now, everyone that's left...
You have been warned.

I'm in a bad mood.

Yep. That's it.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I should be so super happy!!
8 months of waiting for three gorgeous children to come home and be mine forever...
and now it's happened...
I should still be riding high on that wave of ecstasy!

I have been attacked by reality.

The reality is...
ALL preschoolers have definite ideas about how to behave.
All preschoolers detest being told what to do.
All preschoolers refuse to eat food at times, even if they have previously loved the same exact food.
All preschoolers give their parents a hard time at nap-time and bedtime on occasion.

The difference is...
I have not loved these children from the time they were born up until this day.
I didn't rock them when they were babies,
nurse them back to health with their first colds,
carefully change diapers with bad rashes and rub on soothing lotions,
bathe them before they could sit up alone,
or put teething toys in the fridge to help with those first few teeth.

What does that matter??
It means we don't have a history together.

So all *I* have to go on is my own experiences.
From my previous 4 children.
And it's not the same.

Not that I don't love them the same...
(I may not yet, but that's not the issue)
but that we don't just instantly know why the other is doing something.

For instance:
My first 4 were never allowed to play with the TV or the remote.
Its annoying to hear it going on and off, the volume gets louder, louder and louder...
and besides... they change all the settings and mess it all up.
So, no, they can't touch it till they are old enough to know how to fix whatever they mess up.
Baby boy at 2 years old thinks that the remote is an awesome toy and the tv buttons were placed there just for his pleasure. 
I  get annoyed because I have already said no, 
already done time-in, time-out and 
and nothing works.
WHY does nothing work?? 
Well... for one... he doesn't speak my language. 
For another, I am convinced at the care center 
NOTHING was ever off-limits.
I am also convinced there were
no consequences or punishments.
So I get to teach him all about off-limits, 
cause and effect, 
and everything else...
as a stubborn-two-year-old WITH newly-adopted-child issues 
and attachment stuff thrown in for good measure.

And I get annoyed with nap time and bed time.
The routine isn't working for me.
And I am tired.
For no reason.
I am sleeping well...
but I think I just have a lot on my brain all day
that wears me out.
And I don't want to fight with my husband.
Or my kids.
And I want to be ME.
The old me.
Not this new me.
This can't be the new me.

I don't think I have A.S.S , 
but one can never be totally sure.

I need a magical happy pill.

The middle girl has been sick.
She had a ruptured ear drum Wednesday night.
She didn't cry.
She didn't complain.
She didn't whine about it.
This is an institutionalization thing.
It makes me sad.

The other two are sick with snotty green noses,
coughs, and random other symptoms.
And baby boy has scalp ringworm.
And I am collecting poop samples
times 9
to test for Giardia.

So I am seriously hoping that once 
we get the medical stuff taken care of, 
things will be better around here
because I do love them
and I want to be happy
and I want to remember that desire to get them here
and be joyful.


  1. It is just so hard, the first weeks and months home, and I can't imagine what it would be like bringing more than one home at at time!

  2. Hang in there. This sounds totally normal, but what do I know?!?!

    Sounds like my 2 year old x2 x3. ACK. I hate even teaching HIM consequences, which has been a lot lately. I wonder if my 13 month old thinks she can already get into everything yet? hmm....

  3. Hang in there.. the ENEMY hates the gospel of adoption and will all that he can to destroy what the Lord has created for your family! Shield yourself in the armour of His word!!!!

  4. Hey girl! I am right there with you. My mantra lately is "I am not the person I hoped I was!". It has to get better...that is the only thing that gets me through some moments. Everybody says it so it must be true...right??? Right? Plus, you have three, so the Koelbls are still bowing at the Jensen throne! From what I saw in ET, you are an awesome mom! Wendy

  5. You are one of the strongest, loving, most determined people I know, you got this! I know, easy for me to say. It almost sounds a little like dealing with our brood and Autsim, PND, OCD, ADHD...all those lovely initials that we have! I'm just down the road if you need me...

  6. Praying for you...I remember our first days and weeks at home and those same feelings coming up in my heart. I thought that I would never lead a normal life again:( Our family grew overnight too and it took time to land on our feet as a new family of six. Know that God is singing over you tonight and all of the days ahead. It will shake down and not always feel like you are sinking:) There are many sides to adoption and God works in all of them I have learned:)

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  8. Mark and Sarah said...

    I'm in the thick of transition too, and can feel where you are having three kids under 4...but I don't have your biggies. It is TOUGH. It takes every ounce of your being. Everyone says it will get better and easier and we have to believe it will. Take 10 minutes at a hour or a day is too much. Accept where you are...which is what I'm working on doing. Hang in there.


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