Fireflies

I feel like I'm always the one to see the first lightening bug of the summer.

I claim it every year, for what it's worth.

I remember when I was a kid at my grandmother's house,

running around in the dark, barefooted

in the sticky summer evenings .

You hold your jar, with the lid barely twisted on - holes jabbed for air

waiting for the tiny bright light to shine.

Then suddenly - you see it!

You take off running in that direction 

hoping to get to it in time for the next flash

so you can capture the tiny light and save it in your jar.

I'm in that type of dark night right now.

I'm disoriented, 

thinking I'm going to step on something slimy,

and desperately searching for a little flicker of light.

That darkness closes in with hateful comments 

or absences of friends

and I find myself forgetting how to breathe.

"How did I get here??" I wonder...

Isn't there a magic pill or something?

Then today I saw some fireflies. 

Kids being kids, 

making me laugh - and just for a moment - 

feeling almost normal.

A few emails from strangers who know where I am, 

who have been here before, 

and who offer support.

A call from a friend, 

who didn't know what to say, 

but gave me permission to ask for the moon 

if it would help me heal.

Taking my daughter to meet her hero, Katie from Uganda, 

getting her autograph inside her new book, 

and hearing my baby girl say to Katie, 

"My friend Abby and I want to be missionaries and live in Africa someday!"

And finally, the selfless love of my Mom and Papa.

The kind of love that makes you forget all your words. 

(and I ALWAYS have words.)

The kind that makes you confused and disoriented,

and just so blown away by generosity and love and just...

the faith that they have in YOU and who you are,

not sure if you deserve it, but it's THERE.

And it just makes your heart melt into a puddle 

and cry tears of gratitude to the God who put this man in your life - 

one you didn't think you wanted, 

who you didn't think wanted you, 

but who demonstrates his fierce love in such a rough-around-the-edges 

but smooshy-like-a-puppy-snout kind of way... 

how could you be anything but 

completely humbled by that kind of love??

Weary and still confused, I can now look down at the end of this day...

muddy, messy, smelling like outside-in-the-summer and completely worn out,

to see that my little jar of "lightening bugs" is glowing and I can see my dirty toes.

And suddenly,

I think I might be able to see my way back home after all.

Summer "bucket" list

So, summer began with the emergence of the 13-year cicadas...

and (equally as frightening) the shock to my system that this year I will have 7 children home for 3 months. 

Every.Single.Day.

Seriously.

So...

as a matter of self-preservation of sorts...

I have a small summer "bucket" list.

A list of things to-do before summer... well, kicks the bucket.

Go strawberry picking We picked $60 worth. Yeah. I didn't realize how many lbs an Easter basket could hold. 

Go blueberry picking

Go peach picking

Make jams and assorted frozen fruits after picking them (kinda done-ish. I made strawberry jam!)

Picnic at the pool

Visit a waterfall

Catch lightening bugs (aka fireflies)

Sprinkler on the trampoline (aka "jump-o-lene" to the littles)

Go spend a day with Granny

Make BLT's with my heirloom tomatoes once they grow and ripen

Can stuff...other than jam  (I also made Dulce de Leche sauce!)

Go camping 

Visit a lake "beach" here in TN for a day trip

Grill artichokes

Make exercising a habit (almost 3 weeks into a jogging/running training program now!)

Take more photos with my good camera

Plan for the August/September birthday boom in advance!

Bug Jamey to death to make me nap mats for the girls to take to Kindergarten!

Host a fire pit Smore making evening with our new neighbors

Plan Christmas gifts that I can (and will actually) make

Grill dinner LOTS of times

Ice cream for dinner, outside, on the deck

That's about it! 

The hardest part about transitioning into summer this year was the change in routine on the little kids.

We went from basically having our weeks really predictably the same to having each day up in the air to the point that they don't recognize weekends anymore (since the weekend-marker was having the big kids home).

Not that this makes much of a difference...

nearly 11 months home and they still wake up by 6am at the latest. Every day. Holidays, weekends, week days, whatever. And almost in unison. In different rooms even. Crazy.

The cicadas are gone which means it's been enough days of summer to begin to say we are obtaining some level of routine around here again. Which is much needed. And much appreciated.

Oh, and I have a list of chores for anyone who wants to tell me "I'm bored!!"

Because we just don't DO "bored". As my sister says...

Only boring people get bored.

But around here...boring people fold laundry. And wash dishes. And clean bathrooms.

Because that's how I roll.

Pro-whatever.

There was this commercial on the radio when we lived in Colorado Springs years ago.
It was this guy interviewing another guy about the zoo and asks if he likes giraffes.
The man answers, "I would say I am generally pro-giraffe."
For whatever reason that always made me laugh.

We spend a lot of time in our relationship circles discussing what we are for or against.
Pro-life...
Pro-choice...
Democrat...
Republican...
Independent...
Pro-gay marriage..
Anti-war...
Vegetarian...
Vegan...
Pro-animal rights...
Pro-eating animals...
Pro-wearing animals...
Homeschoolers...
Oh-yeah-they-are-going-to-schoolers
Cloth diaper-ers...
Disposable diaper-ers...

Get the idea?
We compare.
We contrast.
We label.

We judge.

I have a few close friends.
You know the ones you call when something awful happens... or when you are so excited you just can't hold it in anymore!

One is mostly "imaginary"... existing online and over the phone, one travels for work most every week, and one lives near by and stays super busy with doctors and such for her own family.

I can tell you, of these ladies... we don't always match up on all of those talking-points.

My friend Jamey and I are about as mis-matched as they come!
We don't match up on almost any social or political issues and she's all crunchy-granola with her cloth diapers and cooking real food for most meals. But she loves Jesus and she will tell me when I'm being insane. She calls me when she has 5 seconds just to vent and hear me tell her "It's going to be okay... you can do this." and I call her (when her phone is charged up...) to have someone who knows my whole story and can listen and then tell me when I'm over the edge, or if I am right on track. She makes me laugh and cry and I pray for her and her kiddos.

Another friend has 4 children at home ALL with special medical and educational needs... and she just applied to adopt a Down Syndrome baby! She's so excited to finally be on this journey and I am jumping up and down for her! And me? I'd be more comfortable adopting with a medical need like HIV or limb differences or deafness... but Down Syndrome isn't what I'm called to. SHE IS! And she loves Jesus and she makes me smile.

Another friend is constantly challenging me to be a better wife, a better Jesus-lover and a healthier ME! She's like some kind of super-hero Energizer bunny, traveling and speaking, encouraging others with her words and her little messages, and she won't let me "go there" when I'm slipping down hill into my pit of yucky stuff. She says cute things like "trap the crap" and "hairy butt satan" and she's a super awesome example of how to live a life constantly having an on-going conversation with Jesus. She lives her prayer life and it's challenging to me to do better in that area. She asks for MY opinion on stuff and trusts me with things she needs prayer for too... because I can be a safe place for my friend. And I love that she is a safe place for me too.

I'm pro-friends.
I'm pro-having women in your life that you can call and spill your "junk" to.
I'm pro-being a safe place for your friends.
I'm anti-gossip among friends.
I'm pro-encouraging my friends and those who need a friend.
I'm anti-superficial how-are-you's.
I'm pro-accountability.
I'm pro-using-up-40K-of-your50k-words-per-day with a friend (unless your hubby is a talker...).
and I'm pro-encouraging our girls to have good, Jesus-loving friends in their lives that are after the same things. Life is messy and it can be hard whether you are 12 or 52 and we were made for community.

Go be a friend to someone today, and tell your friends how much they mean to you!!

16 years!

16.

16 years.

16 years ago today 

I married my best friend.

Well, he wasn't my best friend at the time...

we had only been dating around 100 days or so

on the day of our wedding.

But now...

now, I can't imagine ever coping with this

crazy

wonderful

busy

loud

funny

messy

sometimes stressful

always blessed

life we have together 

without him by my side.

Wedding shower in NY

16 years ago I nervously walked down an aisle

in a church that was WAY too big for number of people

we had in attendance.

16 years ago today I worried about

messing up my vows,

tripping down the stairs,

dropping the ring or the flowers in the transfer,

kissing in church,

kissing in front of my parents,

or if my hands would be too shaky for him to be able to put my ring on.

16 years ago today

our photographer took WAY too long taking staged photos,

cheesy photos,

and our guests waited downstairs in "Fellowship Hall"

for a simple, classically Southern, "cake and punch" type reception.

With hors d'oeuvre...

of course...

because I DID marry a chef.

16 years ago

I had never heard of wedding favors.

And therefore didn't provide any.

And therefore felt utterly embarrassed when my 

new in-laws asked what type of favors we were having.

16 years ago 

I figured we would have two or three children.

In a few years.

16 years ago

I was still a little girl playing house.

16 years ago ...

wow...

Who IS that girl I was back then?

I barely recognize her.

I have certainly grown and matured to the point

that I no longer identify with who I was back then.

But...

he married me anyway.

He didn't have to...

I was fairly certain he was going to run away.

I'm fairly certain he thought about it.

I'm glad he didn't.

16 years,

13 moves,

5 states,

3 time zones.

16 years...

7 gorgeous children.

Paul,

Thank you for sticking it out with me these past 16 years.

I know I'm often times crazy,

many times difficult,

sometimes impossible ...

but I know you love me anyway!

I love that I get to do this life-thing with you,

that you aren't afraid to dream big with me,

that you know what I want when I want "something that I want",

that you are SUCH a great daddy,

and that you can make me laugh!

Happy Anniversary, honey!

Here's to a whole bunch more!

xoxo

Shifting.

I don't usually require much in the way of a reminder to keep it in the forefront of my mind that life is always changing, always shifting, always new.

Sometimes it's something as silly as the weather, other times it's something heartbreaking like a dream you have to let go of.

Sometimes everyone shifts over on the bench to make room for one more person. Other times the earth shifts, buildings collapse and tsunamis wreak havoc on the land. 

Today is the last full day of school for the '10-'11 year. Tomorrow, after a full morning of picking up report cards, tearful children, happy teachers and sugary breakfast foods at the school, we will return home and suddenly shift into summer vacation mode. I'm not quite sure what that will "look like" this year and that makes me nervous. Schedule shifts. Routine shifts.

Tuesday of last week I contemplated turning on the heat. It was 50 degrees here and we were freezing. Just 3 days later we were playing in kiddie pools, sprinklers, and the littles were telling me how they were "too hot" in the 90 degree heat. Temperature shifts.

I think of all the victims of the false prophet Harold Camping, who sold or gave away everything, sent him all their money and fully believed that Saturday evening was going to be the rapture date and time. Believing a man to the point of major life alterations, lifestyle and livelihood changes, and then POOF. It's 6:01pm and you're still here. Belief shifts. Faith shifts.

Plans you have for your life, for your family, for the future... no matter how many times you try not to have expectations...you still do, and then one day something comes along that changes everything. Hope shifts.

I suppose when things shift to a place we aren't comfortable with, we should take comfort that this- or at least our feelings- is likely only temporary. Like they used to say in Colorado, if you don't like the weather - just wait 5 minutes.

I suppose we should take comfort knowing that only the Lord knows the plans He has for us... and our plans may only prove to be heartache if we get too attached and then ...that inevitable shift happens. 

Photo journaling my day

I thought I would try a post to "show" you what a day-in-the-life-of-me really looks like...
so here goes!

5:30am. Too early to be awake...
but the new normal-
thanks to the littles.

"Holy toy explosion, batman!"
I will ignore it as
this playtime gives me time to
drink as much coffee as
possible before
they are all clamoring for food!

LOVE my new cookbook...
 LOVE the 6-week bran muffin recipe!

Looking good!

Maybe...

Awesome.

TV babysitter during Bible Study

More coffee, more Jesus.

Nap time...
get out all the hair stuff
so I am ready when the girls wake up.

Go move the pot-garden
 into the sun.

And the one who needed the
most sleep
woke up first. Perfect.

And so it begins.

An hour later...
Big and middle kids are home...
I am growing to hate Little Einsteins
but it is keeping #5 happy while
I detangle/part/braid repeat.

Another hour later.
Can't. Feel. Fingers.

#2, sweet baby girl...
asks to make dinner!
Yes! I will just keep braiding...

No photos of dinner, or bedtime routine...
or the finished hair-do...
but believe me that all of these things did happen!

DONE! Littles in bed,
fuzzy slippers  on,
Hubby home,
Dinner cleaned up,
Time for (DVR'ed) NCIS!

Then... bedtime for the bigger kids... then for me!

Yeah, this is fairly typical for the days we stay home...
minus the in-between stuff you DON'T have pictures of...
messes, spills, diaper changes, and the like!

It's not glamorous all the time, but it's my family!

It's not about me.

There are a lot of aspects to "life" in our home...
Our family,
Our children,
Our adoption,
Our 15+ years of marriage,
Our finances,
Our failures,
Our successes,
Our stuff,
Our ministry,
Our future,
Our pasts,
Our hopes,
Our dreams,
Our plans,
Our attitudes,
Our ability to love,
Our failure to love,
Our heart for the broken,
Our heart for the lost,
Our heart for the fatherless,
Our tears for those we can't reach,
Our anger over injustice,
Our frustration at bureaucracy,
Our faith in His plan........

Guess what??
It's not about ME.
It's not about what God can do for Chrissy.

It IS about listening for His voice...
hearing His promptings...
being willing to move when He says move...
being willing to step out of the boat onto the sea with FAITH that He won't let you drown...
being willing to step out of the boat a second BEFORE you begin to WONDER if He will let you drown.

It's about saying "YES" when the world says "What on EARTH is wrong with you?"
It's about saying "How you serve, I will serve." when the rest of the world won't get their hands dirty.
It's about sitting in the pit of your yuck and blah and looking up... seeing the hand reaching for you... and reaching back.
It's about LOVE. Not how much YOU can love... but how much HE loves us and gives us the ability to love in return. Apart from Him we can do NO thing. Apart from Him, we don't know what Love is anyway. Not real love anyway.

It's not about me.
It's about Him.
And I hope that someday He will point us towards His dream and say "Just DO it!" because I am ready!
As my Granny says, I'm "sittin' on GO" and ready to move when the Lord says MOVE.
But even that... is about NOT being ME... not being selfish and thinking "but what about..."
And I think that's the hardest part of following Jesus.
He says "Follow", and don't go say goodbye to your family. Follow, and don't go bury your father. Follow, and forget about hauling in your day's wages. Just FOLLOW when I say GO... without a second thought, because I say so!

As my friend Rick, a truly "Radical" pastor, once explained... I want to be FAT.
I want to be faithful.
I want to be available.
I want to be teachable.

And I want to be His hands and feet.

What does that look like?
No, this isn't a "we are starting another adoption" announcement.
I wish it were...
I would love that very much.
I don't know what it really looks like in person, face-to-face... but I know that I am watching and waiting!

Here is the song by Chris Tomlin that has been echoing through my head these days! Click here...

Dreary

Nothing new to report...

just that 

I 

am

SO 

STINKING

SICK

and 

TIRED

of this

nasty

dreary

cold

yucky

gray

windy

WINTER

WEATHER!!

Come on, spring...

I need you now!!

I miss all the lovely things about spring..

SO, so, so much!

The open windows,

the picnics on the trampoline,

swing sets,

playing in the sprinkler,

sun dresses,

flip-flops...

but most of all

the thing I miss

MOST 

of ALL...

is the

warmth 

of the sun!

The way you can sit in this 

one spot on the couch and the rays

come shining through the window

and warm your shoulders

while you read a book!

Ahhhh!

The chirping of the birds outside

in the morning when I wake up and open the doors to 

let the fresh morning air come inside... 

can't you just FEEL it?!?

Oh, and the daffodils and tulips...

when they push themselves through the mostly-still-frozen earth

and show off their beautiful colors and the 

drops of dew that cling to their petals in the morning

and look like glitter shining in the light!

It's just intoxicating!!

Alas...

It is January.

In Tennessee.

Which means...

we have probably two more months

of weather 

JUST

LIKE

THIS.

I might cry.

Women's Hierarchy

Considering I myself am a woman, I feel compelled to discuss something I continue to see over and over throughout my lifetime.
I hope it’s not just me, because then I would feel really stupid... but what I see in myself and I have overheard in others, is that as women, we rate ourselves against our friends, strangers online, and people at the store.

We put ourselves on some kind of crazy measuring stick, and we choose our “spot” based solely on our comparison to everyone else.

For example..
While shopping at Target, we see a woman with more children than we have. She’s happy! The children are smiling and getting along, laughing together, and all wearing clean clothes with nary a crusty, dried-booger nose to be found. The woman, we observe, is dressed in adorable, mostly-current fashion and carrying a perfectly stocked diaper bag with every necessity neatly in its place and accessible at a moment’s notice. She’s thin, appears to exercise regularly and obviously only feeds her family the highest quality hormone-free, organic, whole foods available.
I hate her.
I love what she stands for, but I want to BE her.
She is obviously a better mother, wife and woman than I am.
She wins.



Turning around in a huff to walk in ANY other direction, we see a woman with “only” one child. She looks grumpy. Her child is dirty, missing a shoe, snotty nose running down his chin, and he appears to have a sucker stuck in his hair. She is wearing a shirt stained by both bleach AND some random tomato product. She has obviously not washed her hair today... perhaps this week, and her idea of exercise is dragging her child past the sugary cereal as he kicks and screams about marshmallow filled boxes of wonderfulness.
CLEARLY I am better than HER.
I made it out of the house today with washed hair.
None of my children are that dirty and they all have two shoes on their feet.
I’m somewhere above her, but far below the perfect mom on the other aisle.



Later...
We get an email from a friend.
She’s announcing her 8th baby in 10 years!
After an eye-roll and deleting a comment about “don’t you know how that happens?” we decide on the obligatory “Congrats!” and hit “send”.
She home-schools all of her children, they grow and can all their own vegetables, make almost everything from scratch - including many clothes. She makes her own detergent, has the most child-friendly home EVER, and LOVES nothing more than being a mom. She is always positive, always patient, always smiling and oozing happy-happy-gooeyness. Her children are super polite and well-mannered, but may not always be the cleanest kids on the block.
She’s a better mom than me.
For sure.
I fed my kids pop-tarts for breakfast.
She probably made Eggs Benedict.
However, I am WAY cooler than she is.
I would like to be that happy and care-free though.
I feel guilt VERY deeply by merely observing her life.



These aren’t the only women we compare ourselves to. OH, no.


There are plenty of others out there. They come in all shapes, sizes, and economic classes.
She’s thinner, she’s fatter, she’s happier, she’s wealthier, she’s got more kids, younger kids, older kids, who has their hands the most “full”, who has the most volunteer projects, who has the most accolades, who has the most blog readers or followers, who has WHATEVER better or more than me.



I am sad to admit, I have thought these things before.


I have been that judgemental woman.


I have been that comparison-hungry mom who sizes herself up against you, your children, your neighbor and whoever else I find to compare myself to.



But late last night I had a realization.



Do you know what is at the heart of this whole comparison-extravaganza?
(other than a serious mental disorder?)



It’s fear.



We all have basic questions we ask about ourselves.


We ask our parents, our friends, our family, our neighbors, our spouse and our children the same questions.


Am I good enough?
Do you love me the way I am?
Will you ALWAYS love me - no matter what?



It’s security, or the lack thereof. It’s a neurotic need for approval and I’m not looking in the right place.



Instead of asking the right person the right question, I ask myself.



Am I good enough? Well... look around the house. Dirty dishes, dirty clothes, dirty floors, dirty children. Nope. Not good enough.


Do you love me the way I am? Hmm... probably not. I’m not looking that great lately, I could stand to lose several pounds and I am never going to be that crunchy-granola, home-schooling, perfectly-clean-house, mom-of-the-year.


Will you ALWAYS love me? No matter what? My child stormed out of the house on the way to catch the bus this morning because I didn’t give him the correct breakfast today. Clearly his love for me is fickle.



Maybe it’s just me.



Or maybe not.



But then...
Do you know what I realized?
I can only be the best ME that I can be.
That’s the ME that God made me.
Crazy, bad-with-numbers, lazy about putting laundry away, finds any excuse not to mop floors, can’t stand children’s craft projects, thinks glitter is from the devil, infrequent child-bather, and rarely on time anywhere... me. May never have a pedicure, good intentions-bad follow through, once-a-month-or-less duster of knick-knacks... ME!



I know it’s not about me. Life, this life, this... stuff. It’s not about me.
It’s not about being the best homeschooling, crunchy-granola, home-made laundry detergent making, super-stylish mom-of-the-year. It’s about being the best CHRISSY that I can be FOR CHRIST’s purposes. It’s about being the best child of GOD that I can be. It’s about being who HE created me to be and for THAT purpose alone.



I also realized that those women I compare myself to... I am seeing what I want to see! 
I see the pretty (or not so much) picture on the outside! I only see the part that woman shows to the world. I only see a tiny piece of the iceberg and create the rest of it inside my own thoughts. Any guesses where those lies come from?

John 8:44- You belong to your father, the devil,

and you want to carry out your father's desire.

He was a murderer from the beginning,

not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.

When he lies, he speaks his native language,

for he is a liar and the father of lies.

So... here is my prayer for today... and for as long as it takes.


I want to see myself (and see others) the way Jesus sees them.


I don’t want to look at myself as better or worse than other women.


I want to see myself as the wife of a wonderful man who loves me dearly, treasures me, and calls just to hear my voice.

I want to see myself as the woman He created to be the mother of these 7 kiddos.


I want to see myself as a daughter of the King. Nothing more, nothing less.

And I want to see you that way, too.

I was tagged.

My friend Jamey over at Zehlahlum Family tagged me in a post for stuff about me.
Since I normally post stuff about the kids, about adoption, about my life keeping up with 7 kiddos... I will relent and play along!




1. What is your biggest pet peeve?

I have WAY too many pet peeves. I run a peeve petting zoo.
Some of them are:

• Someone using the word "quote" instead of "quotation". "Quote" is a verb, "quotation" is a noun. Read this quotation... and I quote... get it?
• Another word peeve - there is no "D" in refrigerator OR congratulations.
• The sound of overall clasps in the dryer
• Never being able to find jeans in the right waist/thigh/length ratio that cost under $100
• (like Jamey... didn't realize we had this in common) the sound of bathroom vent fans
• when my kids won't eat the crust of their sandwiches
• Text-speak (No, IDK WTH UR talking about. Knock it off.)
• waking up when it's still dark outside
• that sound it makes when you scrape your fork or knife on your plate
• Coffee stations that don't have real half &half as an option
• Planning dinner only to find out someone put an empty container back in the pantry and now your recipe won't work without a trip to the grocery store.
• Dog fur
• my dishwasher and how it leaves these baked on mystery crumbs inside most of the glasses
• People who "no matter how hard" they try... still can't gain weight! (Wah.)
• How my husband can skip the second double cheeseburger and drop 10 lbs and I eat like a rabbit for a month and gain 2lbs. Yeah. That one really gets me.
• Restaurants that STILL don't understand what gluten is and how to prepare food without it.
• People who ...                 And we are moving on...................

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

Wow. Well, this is a loaded question for me because my heart right now is to have a large home on a large piece of land where I can be Mary from Owlhaven and adopt more children and have space for them all. I would like to have the Duggar's kitchen set up and family closet. As for where... I like Tennessee (except whenever it's over 95 degrees and 80% humidity), but wish we were closer to the mountains and my sister in Colorado. 
3. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

Ha. I don't think so... other than in Germany in customs where I was frisked like I may be smuggling undeclared chocolate out of the country.
4. What is the one thing on your mind right now?

It's naptime... I gotta do those dishes, vacuum up the fur, pick up in the toy room, and WHEN is my neighbor going to be done pressure washing his stupid deck! Sheesh that thing is LOUD!

5. Favorite song right now?

"Our God" by Chris Tomlin because every time it comes on the littles start singing along! It's ADORABLE and it reminds me that our God IS greater than all the other junk in my day.

6. What talent do you wish you had?

I'm not trying to copy Jamey's answers... but I wish I could sing. Oh, and play an instrument. I can't even effectively play the kazoo. 

7. Favorite drink?

Coffee, green tea, iced tea and if I am really going to mess up my blood sugar... I LOVE Root Beer Floats.

8. In one word, how would you describe yourself?

Sleepy? I don't know... I have never been good at describing myself in any number of words... how about you just "see above" pet peeve list... that should pretty much sum it up! ;)




I'm supposed to tag other people... I think 8 of them... but since I can't remember blog names without looking at my links list...
I am going to tag my sister, Melissa from www.benjaminandmelissa.blogspot.com
and if you made it this far and you are reading this... comment on your 8 things after this post or leave me a note and let me know you put it on your blog! 
There... instant tagging! :)