Adoption Ethics

Back when we first got started in our adoption process, we discovered that out there in the world of adoption there are a bazillion agencies.

Each agency has their own set of fees, procedures, country programs, and application procedures.

Each agency has their own requirements of potential adoptive parents.

And each agency has varying levels of ethical practices.

We were blissfully unaware of the differences in the ethics of different agencies until after we were in process and  discovered different agencies handling situations VERY differently than ours.

Many things that were NOT okay with our agency were perfectly fine with others.

While we were in process, I felt that this may have been unfair and some of the "rules" seemed silly... but looking back from this end of things, I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that we used one of the most ethical agencies in this country for our adoption.

Now that we are done, I can tell you that there were times I was SUPER upset with the way they handled things. They have this reputation as being VERY CONSERVATIVE in all aspects. Well, this is all well and good until you are trying to discern if a rumor you are hearing online and in chat rooms about Ethiopian adoptions is TRUE or not... and you are told to wait while they sort it all out.

However, since we have been home I have seen many other adoption stories online via blogs and stories from friends. I have heard stories that make my skin crawl. I have heard stories that sound an awful lot like child trafficking. I have heard stories that sound like birth-parent-coercion.

If you found this post because you are researching agencies...
do yourself a favor.
If you read a negative review somewhere...
consider the subject matter of the review.

If someone is upset because they didn't get their photos when they thought they should (ahem... ME!), or they are upset because they didn't pass committee the first two times and feel like they are getting the runaround (also ME...)... those are issues with the way the agency is trying to make sure they are doing the right thing.

On the flip side of that... if the reviews have to do with not getting communication from the adoption agency, or unexpected changes once the parent arrives in country, or unanswered questions about the birth family, or ANYTHING that sounds even SLIGHTLY unethical...RUN.
RUN far away from that agency.
Do not look back. Do not be mesmerized by their promises, their shorter timelines, or their lower fees. Do not be in such a hurry to get started that you jump into a contract with an agency that you will then have to defend for the rest of your life. Don't do it. Unethical agencies need to be put out of business and the only way that will happen is if adoptive parents STOP SUPPORTING THEM.

As for our agency...

Did they do everything perfectly all the time? No. 

There are several families who feel like the ball was dropped with respect to their June/July embassy date mix ups, but they don't doubt the ethicacy (is that a word?) of their adoptions. They may have put the adoptive parents in the loony bin a time or two, but they never went out and picked out children to fill up their orphanages. They never coerced a birth parent into relinquishing a child. They have programs in place to help families stay together. They have a clinic to see sick children and parents and pregnant women to help them become and remain healthy so that they can parent their children. They are multi-faceted in their approach in-country. 

What could they do better? They could support parents better after they are at home.
They had many concerns regarding our adopting three kiddos when we already had 4 at home, but I have not had a checking-in phone call since we were home 2 weeks (which was more about our trip and our immediate transitions). Many would argue that's a job for your social worker and the post-placement visits... which I can see as well... but ultimately the success or failure of a placement reflects back on the agency, not the home study workers... so I think it would be in everyone's best interest if they checked in with families regularly for the first year home.
Could our agency have given us photos more regularly?? I believe so. There has to be a way to get waiting parents photos and/or video more regularly. Every 3 months is a HUGE length of time when you are waiting (especially for those adopting an infant or young baby). Some kind of secure website where waiting families could see the progression of their paperwork or see their number on the referral list or something similar would be wonderful.


I loved the in-country staff. They are some of the most amazing, called-by-the-Lord, passionate, children-loving people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. I can say without a doubt that those women genuinely LOVE the children in their care.


Don't be fooled into thinking "all those negative reviews are written by the same angry person". Maybe there's a reason why someone is so angry. There is no room for snarkiness and petty agency-bashing in adoption.
We are talking about CHILDREN'S LIVES here.
It's hard enough without adding to the drama with some allegations of unethical practices hanging over your case.
Just be VERY cautious.


If you want to know... here's our agency's website.

What's the holdup?

Well, it's like this.

Trying to phrase this in a way that does not come back to bite me in the rear...

There's this government agency in Ethiopia.

We call it MOWA.

It's the Ministry of Women's Affairs.

They are understaffed and overextended.

Following is my understanding of how the 

MOWA staff affect our ability to go pick up our children.

In order to complete our adoption, MOWA 

staff needs to submit 4 letters on our behalf.

(This may be per child, I am not sure.)

Letter #1 is for the court date.

(the lack of this letter is why our 

court date was May 18th, 

then we were rescheduled to June 1st)

Letter #2 is is to process the post-court paperwork.

This letter starts the process of getting our children ready to go home.

Letter #3 is so that we can get a birth certificate issued.

We need the birth certificate in their new names 

so that we can get the passport.

Letter #4 is so that we can get a passport issued.

We need the birth certificate to get the 

passport, and both to get the visa.

So where are we in this process??

Who the heck knows.

MOWA is closed this week.

HOPEFULLY it is for some kind of efficiency

 training or staff training or something...

because there are a LOT of parents 

JUST LIKE US 

who have passed court, are legally their child's 

parents and who are just waiting to be allowed 

to go pick them up.

We have some other stuff, too.

Stuff I can't go into on the blog for privacy reasons...

but some darn good reasons why we 

need to get the kids home soon.

Last week we thought we could go with 

the next travel group...

but surprise,

our MOWA letters were not written 

before they closed for the week.

This was a major set-back for us in that we have weeks that we need to be here and available for our extended family. Of course, MOWA does not understand this on a personal level. I am sure there are people there who would understand, but due to the fear of something sinister happening under the table, no agency is allowed to contact MOWA directly to ask for the status of a family's paperwork. It is excruciating to know that had these letters been written and submitted, we could be leaving in a week and be home in two and get our lives somewhat settled before all of the chaos July will/may bring in our family.

Our agency - they have been wonderful.

They totally understand and have advocated 

for us with the Ethiopian staff.

They understand our particular situation and have tried,

 unsuccessfully, to help get us there in the window 

we had available. They were willing, but 

MOWA was not caught up to our point yet.

I received updated photos of the kids yesterday!

While this was really nice, it was also somewhat 

heartbreaking as I have been able to watch them get 

older and older over the past 7 months since 

we first saw their photos.

I guess this qualifies as a "down" day.

We have a lot on our plates right now and

a lot coming up.

I just want my kids here

or at least to be able to plan the trip

with more than 14 days notice.

AHS - Adoption High School

I have no new thoughts today... 

but I was thinking about this post I wrote back on November 10th and it felt relevant today.

Here is my (adoption related) pet peeve of the day: adoption superiority.
What is that, you may ask?
Well... basically, when we ventured out into this territory - I thought it was one big happy family. The Adoption Community. We are one in the bonds of love, and all that jazz. Ummmm.... NO. 

It's more like Adoption High School.
Remember High School? Sure you do... jocks, nerds, goths, skaters, cheerleaders, preps, richie rich, star wars freaks, etc, etc, etc.
Well... transpose those "categories" to the adoption world and you have:

Domestic VS. International... 

Foster/Adopt VS. Infant program...

Independent Adoption VS Agency Program...

Waiting Child VS. Infant...

Special Needs VS Non-special needs...

Sibling Group VS One Child...

There is this sort of hierarchy of adopting parents - those who have adopted multiple times or multiple children are at the top - the jocks and cheerleaders of the community.

Let me also say that I don't think EVERY person is called to adopt PERSONALLY. I think that there are family situations that would not make this possible and not every person could handle a child much less more than one. I do feel that as Christians, we are called to care for widows and orphans. Church bodies are supposed to lead the way and help those who are called - allowing them to fund-raise, helping them along, lending a hand in some way. But there is this whole segment of the adoption community - the "holier than thou's" - who think that if you can't adopt for some reason, or just don't feel called to personally adopt - that you are less of a human for it. You are somehow going against the Lord's will for your life if you do not adopt. See Ephesians 4:11-12 for clarification of the way God designed His church to function. If God places adoption on your heart, you are in SIN not to do it. If you do not feel called to adopt - - I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are called to some other purpose that is just as important to His heart. We all are. If everyone were 110% focused on adoption - who would care for the elderly in nursing homes? Who would work at the soup kitchens? Who would rake leaves for the disabled this fall? Who would drive their neighbor to the doctor's office? There are many ways that we are to be Jesus' hands and feet - we can't all be the arm or the ankle. All are equally important. (Even if you do feel like the appendix in the Body of Christ... find your purpose!)

• God forbid I ever look down on another family because they are adopting from a country I don't feel called to.

• I hope I never criticize anyone for adopting one child while a sibling group waits.

• I hope I never become the "high and mighty" or the "know-it-all" who second guesses motives and choices a family is making.

• I hope I only uplift and encourage those who feel called to this often-times-not-fun process!

Oh, and those of you with children who aren't the same color as you... if I stare a little too long at the grocery store, it's not because I am judging you, it's just my mind wandering to that place where I wonder what MY more colorful family will look like. I look because I am envious - you have completed this part of the journey. I look because I would love to hear your stories - the good, the bad and the ugly - of the process and since then. I look because I love you for what you represent to my heart. 

Our agency is HOLT. We are adopting from Ethiopia.
We love Catholic Charities of Nashville for our home study because they are wonderful people!
We are requesting siblings- - maybe up to 4! Yes, that qualifies us for the loony bin... we don't care.
Ultimately, we have to make these choices ourselves as a couple and as a family.

That may put us into a certain clique in the Adoption High School... but I would like to officially claim non-citizenship with that clique.

Can't we, like, all just, like, totally get along? For real... and WHATever.

No news is not news.

Whoever said "no news is good news" has never adopted.

I did speak with both - our social worker from our home study agency as well as the social worker we have been working with from Holt, last night. 

Basically, we wait.

Since one question/objection was that we had no experience with special needs kids, I wondered if it would be helpful for me to send my employment evaluation from this past spring when I was working as a Special Education T.A. I got a very favorable evaluation and was asked back for this school year. The only "negative" on my evaluation was that I tend to get too attached and personally involved in the kids I worked with.

And no, I didn't NOT go back this year because it was too hard. I would have been happy to return. However, my parents dental practice needed a front desk person while theirs was on maternity leave and she did not return.

I was told not to worry about providing any more documentation - that this was all now FAR above the social worker level and up to the director levels. Yikes. I hope that proves beneficial to us and that we do not now appear to be that pain-in-the-rear family. I did not personally start this domino trail of emails and phone calls between our HS agency and Holt... but I fear we may be the victims if it doesn't work out in our favor because the big-shots got all involved and got feathers ruffled.

One more week I guess... then maybe we will know something.

On a positive note, I think we may be nearly finished with the dossier documents! We still need our finished home study and maybe one more document then we will go get everything notarized and two things certified... and VOILA! Dossier! ;) Yeah, right. Because everything else so far has been that easy, right? LOL!