Saturday, December 24, 2011

...and that's when I started to cry.

I didn't think it was getting to me.

You know, not having my kids all here this Christmas.
I mean, there was never a chance they'd be home by today...
so I shouldn't have it in my head that it was ever a possibility.

But then this morning,
our two littlest girls were laying on the couch with Daddy,
talking about the new names for their brothers and sisters.

Daddy says,
"You know... Mommy is going to Ethiopia soon to meet your brothers and sisters!"

#5 says:
"Mommy's going to bring them home now!!?"

Daddy says:
"No, not this time..."

I'm in the kitchen getting ready for brunch with family
and listening to this conversation,
and trying to maintain my Christmas spirit.

she says
"Oh, that's so sad, Daddy! 
They has no Mommy or Daddy in Ethiopia... that's sad."


...and that's when I started to cry.

That's what it is...
mindlessly putting up 14 stockings and being
lovingly reminded by my husband,
"let's just put up stockings for the kids who are here this year, okay?"

...and that's when I started to cry.

Crap, this is hard.
Being here, them there...
not wanting to be apart from either bunch of kids...
Christmas is about family.
It's about love.
It's about warm-fuzzies and
crazy relatives and
husbands cooking strange things and
egg nog in Santa mugs and
cookie baking with the kids getting sprinkles all over the place.
It's about squeals of happiness,
hymns in church,
and softly glowing trees visible through windows.

It's NOT supposed to be about having nearly half your children across the ocean.

I leave in 12 days.
And I'm spending Genna in Ethiopia with my babies.
That's Ethiopian Christmas!
I'm not totally missing it...
and I know they don't know they are missing being here.

But I know.
And it hurts.

Merry Christmas, sweet babies.
Next year.
Next year there will be cookie baking,
and candy canes in hot cocoa,
and 14 stockings by the fireplace.
And I will tuck you in,
and whisper "Merry Christmas, sweet baby."

And OH how sweet it will be!


  1. I TOTALLY get that. There wasn't *really* a chance that our home study would be finished and we would match with any kids and bring them home before Christmas but I looked at their pictures every day and secretly hoped that maybe they would KNOW that someone wanted them. It made me sad that no one else saw an urgency to get our kids home for Christmas. So, I think, "Next year I'll be your mom...just hang on for a little while longer. You don't know that we're coming but we are! Just hang on!"

  2. We spent two months with our little boy in Uganda earlier this year. Not having him home for Christmas is KILLING me. But I can't wait for next year, when we are all together, and this is just a memory.

  3. how amazing you will be there so soon. This time last year all i wanted from Santa was a court date....i waited and waited and waited and it was more like the Easter Bunny bringion me the court date- the waiting at xmas is so hard. Last year i just knew/felt that my little man would have no Christmas, and by his total astonishment at the whole Christmas spectacle- and amazement at the lights, family time and events- i can totally tell its so new to him- that i am sure there were never times like this in his young little makes the whole feeling bittersweet, even now.

  4. Love this! Love your heart and the words that flow from it! Congrats on your new babies and I pray they get here soon!!

  5. My husband and I are adopting a sibling group of 5 through the foster care system! Adopting siblings is my heart! We will be praying for you and your sweet babies as you bring them home - praying HE heals wounds quickly. God bless you on your journey! I believe that we too will have a family your size =) God bless!

  6. yep, the being apart during Christmas was horrible. we totally get it. but what a happy New Year you will all have. :)

  7. Oh, friend. So, so difficult. I remember how not right Christmas felt last year with our baby across the world. You leave in FOUR days!!! Can't wait to see the 14 stockings hung with care next year!!


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