I am still there.
Here's the thing.
I have these faces that haunt my thoughts.
Faces we saw in Durame.
Faces we saw in Addis Ababa.
Children begging at the windows of our van.
Crippled men dragging their bodies along the side of the road at the market.
Women nursing infants under tarps in the mud, breathing exhaust fumes.
Children alone in fields, herding goats or cattle,
and some just sitting there in their tattered clothing.
They haunt my thoughts and dreams with their soulful eyes.
They cry "DO SOMETHING!"
I see them looking at us - riding in our vans with our layers of clothing, bags full of valuables, expensive cameras, iPods, iPads and iPhones... snacking on trail mix, sipping bottled water, and I wonder - do they detest our existence? Do they judge us for not doing more? Does God judge us for not doing more? Does God ask us to DO more?
I have these days of looking at my children through the eyes of their past.
Do they remember sleeping on the ground in a hut? Do they remember the sickness, disease and death? Do they remember laughing and singing with their first family?
I have these nights where I lay in bed and think about the hundreds of millions of children going to bed tonight with no family. No mother or father help them brush their teeth, get into snuggly pajamas, and tuck them in 17 times. No one to call to in the middle of the night. No Mommy. No Daddy.
I sit here in my air conditioned house with two refrigerators and a freezer, a full pantry and closets full of clothes. We are very blessed. But to whom much is given, much is required. What do we DO?
What do we do with this?
What do I do with this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that cries out
What do we do in a home with too few bedrooms to accommodate more children?
I've been broken for the orphaned.
Logistically... what does this calling on my heart and in my head look like?
We could throw caution to the wind and downsize our mortgage for a home outside of our current (and beloved) school district - which would give us a larger home for the same (or less) monthly money... but has anyone noticed the current housing situation in the US? I doubt we could sell our home for what we owe on it at this point. (and yes, I know the Lord could work that all out if it were His plan.)
We could continue to adjust to our new lives and just wait on whatever should come in the future... whenever that may be.
We could pray for opportunities to do more.
But my heart?
My heart wants to buy a home with more bedrooms and fill them up to capacity.
And yes, I know that puts us in a whole new category of crazy.
It's a crazy life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.